Virago 24/7

Embracing Emotional Growth

• Lyanette Talley • Episode 97

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Brian and Shiney join me to explore the ups and downs of balancing career, family, and personal growth. As Briana reflects on the newfound joy of returning to work while managing the demands of family life, Shiney shares how surrounding herself with positive, like-minded individuals has been essential during challenging times. Through our conversations, we underscore the importance of setting boundaries and maintaining authenticity in both personal and professional settings, offering insights into navigating the complexities of dealing with inflexible people and challenging ingrained beliefs.

Ever found yourself questioning the sincerity of those around you? We tackle the exhaustion of discerning genuine intentions and the courage it takes to stand up for oneself amidst social interactions. Listen as we discuss the importance of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and the guidance of mature influences in managing conflicts and emotions. Shiney and I reflect on how emotional growth can transform heated moments into opportunities for learning and effective communication, illustrating the power of vocalizing feelings and recognizing when apologies are necessary.

Finally, we embrace a mindset of joy and gratitude, exploring how reframing envy and intimidation as compliments can enhance positivity. Discover the joy of sharing personal stories, gifting notebooks, and the inspiration behind our "Virago Library." Connect with us on Instagram and Facebook at Virago24/7 to continue our journey of growth, happiness, and empowerment. Your stories are invaluable, and we look forward to growing our community of strong, supportive women.

Go to my website virago247.net for all things Virago 24/7
You can email me at virago247podcast@gmail.com

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley


Speaker 1:

Hi, I am your host, leonette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with Everyday Warriors. Hello, my Viragos, hi, welcome Brianna. Hi, shiny like the sun, yo, how you doing what you eating over there? Shiny, what we eating, she's like I know, I made myself a protein-packed snack.

Speaker 2:

Okay, it looks good. It actually is really good because it adds texture. It's yogurt, yogurt, cottage cheese, granola and fresh fruit it looks so good.

Speaker 3:

Honestly, thank you.

Speaker 2:

Parfait, if you will yes, and I I feel like when we're gonna eat something, we should um make it count.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's where I'm at right now you guys look nice and happy and, thank you, vibrant. So thank you, thank you. I'm just kidding, I'm happy. Thank you for being here today, of course. So we now start our podcast, every podcast, when it's the three of us and we do the examine, and the examine is what shiny, do you remember?

Speaker 2:

it is our highlights and hurdles.

Speaker 1:

Yes, highlights and hurdles so it's a real prayer that our friend justin told us about and I was like, oh, that'd be nice to start off the podcast with the examine which is looking around every day seeing what god is showing you. Is he, oh, there signs, just the beauty around you, and then also acknowledging if there's any missteps that we've done and how we could do better in the future. So highlights and lowlights. Who wants to go first?

Speaker 3:

I'll go. My highlight since we last recorded is I started working and my hurdle is I started working and my hurdle is I started working.

Speaker 1:

I knew you were going to say that. I knew it. I knew it. Oh my gosh, tell us more. How is it? How is the same situation a highlight?

Speaker 3:

It's a highlight because I'm very happy I'm working at the dental practice Dr Talley's office again, which I worked there for a long time before, and so I'm very happy to be working with my dad again, for my dad again, and I'm very happy to be earning a paycheck and there's a sense of freedom, like I don't know, there's something about being a single mom when you're, when you're doing all of these things, that just makes you feel like a badass bitch, and so this is like another step to that, like financial independence. So that's really exciting. And I love dentistry. I'm, I'm, I like to think I'm really good at what I do.

Speaker 3:

However, it's been an adjustment juggling, you know, being home, being a stay at home mom for a year and a half and having so much quality time with my kids, and then losing that and just trying to find the balance. Um, you know, how much time do I dedicate to work and and how do I find the time for my kids? And not just that like, how do I find the time for Brianna? That's been like how do I find the time for Brianna? That's been I'm tired. So that's been I'm exhausted. That's been a struggle, yeah, yeah. So that's my highlights and hurdles Shauna ma'am.

Speaker 2:

I love that. I will say that my highlight truly is being surrounded by like-minded people and, honestly, I had such a heavy hearted few weeks. I'm going through something personal and I was around a lot of family was attending a wedding and just culturally there's. You know, you, you want to look perfect, you want to sound perfect. It's. It's a lot of pressure, pressure, but today, when I walked in with that heavy heart running around because I'm always feel like I'm running I felt I was greeted with joy and acceptance and and truly it just feels so good because being seen, heard and understood is the biggest way someone could love you. Oh, I love that. And you guys, you guys are like that. Oh, so I will say the highlight is the room of comfort?

Speaker 1:

Yes, it is.

Speaker 2:

And it's really true, who you, who you surround yourself with, like, just like our kids. We want our kids to be around, kids that are good and a good role models and don't get into trouble. I think it's the same thing with our friends as adults. So we want to be around good influences. And my hurdle was just that that I had a big wedding, my I had two relatives. I have two relatives getting married Last weekend one did, and next month I'm going to a wedding again. So it's hard. It's hard I'm trying to let that go, but it's hard for me. So that's my hurdle, all right.

Speaker 1:

My highlight I had a birthday, so I'm one year wiser, thank you, Thank you. I am a wise 45 years old and it was. It was a wonderful night. You two celebrated with me. We went to my favorite Italian restaurant and my best friend Adrian was there, and my kids and Philip, and we just had such a lovely time. And then that weekend, because my birthday was Wednesday, november 6th for those of you that want, to know send a gift.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I celebrate all the way up until Thanksgiving because I do pay respects to Thanksgiving, but yeah, send a gift, a card, um, send me a text, if you have my number, and write it down for next year. And then we went to our condo in Tybee for the weekend and it was just so relaxing, so it just it just brings just calmness and peacefulness to my spirit when we go there. So that's my highlight and my hurdle. It's been a few things.

Speaker 1:

I think you know the election obviously I don't want to get into politics, but just we all know the dynamics on both sides, and so that's been hard to read things and stuff and stuff like that. And just you know, reminding myself that I can't put all of my focus on the government or this world because of my faith. I have to remind myself that God has a plan for us. That you know. We may not understand what's happening, but we have to just trust his plan and that's the only way I can get through. You know the things that are going on in our world, in our United States of America, so true, so, yeah, so those are the hurdles and yeah, I had to wake up to, you know people arguing and people being sad. Oh, but both are.

Speaker 3:

It doesn't matter which way you voted. Right Like there's still hatred spewing on both sides.

Speaker 1:

Exactly it's negative for everyone. So it was a good day and a sad day, but because I don't like, I hate, you know, that feeling of tension. I don't think any of us are loving it, except you know. I'm sure there's a few people, but the majority of us are just over it. So, anyways, if you have that faith, focus on the Lord, love it. Thank you, okay, so we are. We've been talking. We talk obviously because we need to know what we're going to talk about when we come on the podcast, and some of our personal stories are very there's a common theme and so I said all right, let's talk about this, because maybe others are going through it. So the question is if you are motivated to learn and grow so that this podcast is all about healing and growing and community with women and understanding who you are and wanting to better yourself in the ways that you, you know.

Speaker 1:

I don't like to say weaknesses, but what does Philip say? He doesn't use weaknesses. He doesn't use weaknesses. Learning opportunities, learning opportunities, learning opportunities, yeah, so, like, if you are, have that mindset, we call it a growth mindset. But if you have that mindset, like we the three of us are, how do you interact with people that are not on that same journey. How do you navigate interactions with them, relationships, because some people there's some people that you can just say, hey, I'm not dealing with this, and keep it moving. But that's not always the case with a lot of relationships. So what can we do as we're growing and realizing that these people may not be on that same path? How do we keep our shit together? That's what I really want to know. Get somebody out. How do we keep all shit together and not go to jail for smacking somebody? That's a great question and we're not experts at this?

Speaker 2:

because we're not. That's why it's the subject. Yeah, the struggle is real.

Speaker 1:

The struggle I think, for me and what's going on for us, that this is the common theme.

Speaker 3:

I have a couple scenarios in my life. One is is a friendship that doesn't. She doesn't have a growth mindset, and I strive to be. I always want to be learning, I always want to be growing. I never want to be stagnant like ever or just be still in in areas that I could go in. So it's really hard, and and it's it's hard too because sometimes you can get sucked into that mindset and that can be detrimental for your character or your piece, and so for me I have. Just I try to find the positive in everything, and so I have thought to myself this is an example of how having a growth mindset has affected my life, because I'm looking at somebody who doesn't have a growth mindset or has no desire to change or sees no flaws in their actions, and so in a way, it makes me feel thankful that I am not like that but complains about a lot of stuff too right.

Speaker 3:

Yes, complains about a lot of things but does nothing to change it. I have a lot of areas in my life that I'm very frustrated with. I'm going through a divorce. I have two baby daddies. That can both, at times, be quite difficult. I've just started a new job and obviously there are trials and tribulations there, but I think that it's important for me to make sure that I am always positive. I'm always looking for areas to grow.

Speaker 2:

I got stuck I got caught up in my emotions.

Speaker 3:

I'm trying to watch what I say. I shouldn't do that, but I'm trying to watch what I say. I shouldn't do that, but I'm trying to watch what I say. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

That's why we were talking about it because we're struggling with this. Yeah, it's not easy. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I mean, we're still trying to figure it out. That's why I'm asking the question. That's a good one.

Speaker 3:

It brings you down too. It can affect your mental health, it can affect you. And then you're like I will stress about like, if people are venting to me about their problems, I will stress about like how can I fix it? How can I fix it? I'm like, bitch, you got things in your own life you need to be fixing. You can't worry about fixing somebody else's. But what I'm trying to say is, even though there are so many things in my life that are not perfect or nowhere near where I want them to be, I'm still making moves every day to get to that point. And so that's where not having a growth mindset and having a growth mindset comes in. Although my life isn't where I want it to be in this moment, I'm doing things about. First of all, I'm acknowledging it, I'm addressing those things and I'm making moves to get there.

Speaker 1:

That's what I was trying to say Word yeah, no, that's really good. And I, you know I've been known to cut people off and just move them to the side. But, like I say, you can't do that with everyone and it is. I look inward in a way where my natural instinct is to cut someone out, but as a growth minded person, you're learning that you can't do that, and that's where a lot of my frustration comes from is not being able to say everything that you want to say to a person because you know they're not going to receive it period.

Speaker 3:

And it's a waste of your energy too, because you're talking about somebody who has no desire to change, sees no flaws in their actions, so you're cussing them out. For what? What's it going to do you?

Speaker 1:

know, yeah, and then a lot of those people that are closed minded, you know, a lot of them may have a lot of anxiety, a lot of ways that they manipulate, they don't communicate well, and it's just all habits that I'm just. I've just grown so past that. But still having to interact with certain people, I don't have a choice in certain situations. It has been so trying for me. And then my sweet husband I love him, but sometimes I want to just shake him. Well, god is probably teaching you patience.

Speaker 1:

Well, no shit, sherlock, I don't care, it's still hard and it frustrates me when I can't really fully I can, I can, I can say I can fully say it, but I know that there's other boxes and other things that will be open by the things that I say, and it'll just keep going on and going on, and going on. So, as the quote, unquote, bigger person, you just have to just kind of swallow certain things in order not to just continue the madness. I've just been very frustrated this week. It's been a very frustrating week for me, having to just kind of suck up certain things so and I don't know how to interact with those people because normally I'm like bye, like I don't need it. I don't need to be alone in every situation. Well, you can, yeah, but there's consequences sometimes, and you know we're smart enough to understand that.

Speaker 3:

So I think it's important for us to sit back when we get in those places and we're like to play the tape all the way through. You know, okay, I sit here and I tell all of my feelings, I get out and in a way it's going to make me feel better. But what is it going to do for the situation? If you're dealing with somebody so close-minded or somebody who thinks that there's no error in their ways, what? What's it going to do? It's a waste of energy. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I, for me, I I feel the same. It's very frustrating and hard dealing with with people who think that their way of thinking is the right way, the only way, and that I am the problem. The way I see it is the problem and I'm not thinking clearly, and that's where the frustration comes from for me also. And Dr Shefali, who is a speaker and a writer and author, and she, she says that most people aren't living life, they're living patterns. Okay, so the way I was thinking about my own life is there are people who get up every day. They do the same, you know similar thing every day. They react to this a certain way, the same way they go to dinner, they go to the gym, they go to bed, then the next day, tuesday, they do the same thing all over again. Whereas for me, on this journey and it's gotten, I feel that I have gotten stronger in my intention every single day and throughout the day, I have to tell myself and change the narrative, the inner narrative, all the insecurities, all the negative thoughts that were programmed in me from childhood and life and the things that have happened, and recognize that that's not always true, the story that's told to us I don't have to accept it as the truth, because I know my heart and most people, especially the ones that don't know you. I'm their version of what they've made me. So I need to let it go, which is so hard, and a day like today, I didn't sleep well. I was really heavy hearted, I had to deal with something that I felt brought me unnecessary grief, and many times throughout the day I knew I needed a nap, I knew I needed to stop, I knew I could cancel hanging out, I could cancel the recording, I knew I could do things to change it so I can rest. But just resting wasn't bringing bringing me any peace. That idea I know that I had to literally tell myself what someone thinks of me is none of my business, and how someone reacts to something is also not my problem and that's one of the biggest frustrations I have is there'll be a scenario and I'll see it that there are many possibilities to get out of this or make it work or bend, and I think that that's the character that I want to be and I want to surround myself like. I want to be fluid, that if something happens and and I want that for my kids too like something happens. What are we going to do about it? Not sit there and fret like a rocking chair that goes back and forth, back and forth, but it doesn't go anywhere.

Speaker 2:

And for me it's what you said is you cut people off when you're upset, or you walk away Cause you know that that person's not right for you? My whole life I was scared to do that. This is a very new thing for me for me to try to have a boundary or tell myself maybe that person isn't right for me and that's okay, or maybe that person's version of me doesn't make me feel very good. And what I said earlier about how you guys made me feel good and that was such a highlight that's what I want. I want it to go both ways. I want to fill your cup up, just like you're filling mine. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And it is hard to set those boundaries Like. It hasn't been easy for me either, but I am. I always tell myself, I'm like, is that other person sitting around, being like thinking about it? And and then I feel like a horrible person when I finally just set that, that, that wall, and I'm like I'm not doing this anymore, I'm not dealing with you anymore, and then I started second guessing myself, like what a horrible human are you that you can just like, not really throw someone away, but just after so many years of being around these people, just just be done. But it's. But when you think about it, it's like there's a lot of things that were being done to you from these people and you swallowed it and you swallowed it, and you swallowed it until you're just tired, like my belly's full. I don't want to swallow.

Speaker 3:

I can't take it yeah.

Speaker 1:

I'm just full of just. I'm just full of all your shenanigans and and I'm not doing it anymore. So it seems abrupt, but it's more of a I'm tired. Yeah, I've allowed you to be, to treat me this way, I've allowed you to be who you are and it hasn't benefited me. And here we are and I'm tired of it. So for me, right now, my frustration is more on the professional side, which is why I say that you know it's harder to just to walk away. I mean, I could walk away, I don't have to work where I'm working. So, yes, you do, I do, it's just, it's been, it's been, it's been tough. We don't have to go into who, why and stuff, just know it's professional.

Speaker 1:

And in dentistry, having the wife in the practice is seen as very negative. The wife is always seen as the bitch and the tyrant. And because a lot of dentists for some reason are meek and mild and don't have a backbone, you know it's mostly men, because women doctors, I think, are on the flip side, where they're too hardcore. Yeah, no, and so you know people come in and think, oh shoot, the wife is in the practice and it's, it's a turnoff. And then they get to know me and it's, and it's good.

Speaker 1:

It's like, oh, it's not what we expected. And also my husband is not meek and mild. He's not going to let me get away with really anything either, but it's been hard because that's already a reputation, that's already what's expected, yeah. So I try to just keep my head down as much as I can, but also I'm going to be myself and I'm going to say what I'm going to say when something doesn't look right and it may, and maybe that's what the reputation is is that the wife is not going to wants the husbands wants to have their husbands back, and maybe that's where it stems from. We feel like we have to protect what he has built, and then it might come across as bitchy. So, boom, I just had an epiphany just talking about it right now.

Speaker 3:

I agree with you.

Speaker 1:

I'm like so then you're labeled a bitch because you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing and I'm calling you out on your BS. Yeah, and I just had this. I just literally had an epiphany Because I'm like I don't understand. But now I get it it's not a wife problem, it's the you problem. It's the you problem. All the ones that tend to start amazing.

Speaker 3:

I think the hard part in situations like these because I'm with you there is when you think about the intent right. So like if you're walking in with a positive intent and you have good intentions and you're there to to be productive and to help and to, you know, just just be an asset to whatever it is you're doing, and you have all of these good intentions and you're walking in with with that mindset, and and then it's turned into something completely negative. It proves number one to me that I do have a growth mindset, because I sit back and I analyze okay, well, where am I in the wrong in this situation? And then it's like no, I had completely good intentions, I wanted to do the right thing, I'm doing the right thing.

Speaker 3:

So I think the most frustrating part is the intent behind it. Like I, if I came in with like malicious intent or you had any malicious intent, it would it. I don't think it would be as hurtful or as frustrating as it is, because you're like well, I mean, I'm, I'm getting what I came for. You know, smoke, but Brianna, but how do you know how?

Speaker 2:

how do you know? I mean, I know you know your intentions, but how do you know what the intentions are of the other people?

Speaker 3:

I think honestly this this might come off as arrogant, but I'm good at that sort of thing. I genuinely am. I'm good at seeing people for who they are. I'm not quite as good as leonette. No, I think we're similar. No, don't you always say that, but we're. I can see through bullshit. So, like there are, there are certain behaviors and there are certain actions that you can't, you cannot tell me that was good intentions, and if if so, then you need to read or something, because you can't, you can't. Just there are certain actions that you can't justify or you can't.

Speaker 2:

you can't tell me that those are good intentions, but the reason I ask that is, we all think differently, but some people who, I feel, have a tendency to prefer to think the worst for some reason, because I feel like when you're like a hurt person or a sad person, you don't really like happy people. Hurt people, hurt people, right. And I always felt that there are certain people who just don't like me. They see me at yoga and they're like are you ever not smiling or is life always perfect? And if they only knew.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah To me and you know, know, when we're talking about this, I think the three of us really reflect on who we are and how we come across. We really, really are and I pride myself on that and, like you said, I'm a BS meter. I don't, I don't know. I guess it's a gift from God. I usually think it's a curse, because I would look around and be like am I the only one that sees this person? Like how do you guys not see that A thousand percent Like I feel like maybe I'm crazy.

Speaker 3:

Maybe I'm crazy. Is this person getting on your nerves in the same way they're getting on mine.

Speaker 1:

I think what it is is that people just know how to fake it. They may feel the same way, but they don't have the cojones to like to to stand up and say something, and I just always felt growing up that I'm in the twilight zone like am I the only?

Speaker 2:

and even as an adult I'm like, hello, yeah, hello, hello. I definitely have that feeling. I do feel people's energy and I may get a really good sense of something. My problem, and it has been that I'm working on, is ignoring yeah, ignoring that red flag or thinking, oh, they didn't mean it, making excuses. But you said it earlier, you know, we, we, we teach people how to treat us now. So the problem with that is I kind of become a doormat, so I do need to. It all goes back to boundaries again, but when I recognize that someone isn't right for me, I need to just slowly do like a Michael Jackson, like just nicely.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and just be cordial and and recognize that everybody doesn't have to like me. I don't need everybody to be my friend and accept that I'm not right for everyone.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and it's so go ahead. Sorry, no, I was just going to say I think it's so crazy because I can tell. So I don't want people to be perfect. I accept that we're going to have our issues and our flaws, but when you know someone's heart and going back to intention, I can see someone acting a certain way on the surface, being kind of rude or you know. Maybe they're quiet because they're having an attitude.

Speaker 1:

There are certain people that that doesn't even bother me, I can see past that and I'm like no, there's a reason, and I know them in this setting, so I know their heart. There's something happening that is making them act this way. So it's not that I can't see past it and that everyone has to be sunshine and rainbows that is not what this conversation is about, it's and so I can see past that and then I'll know, hey, what's going on, because you're normally not this way and even if I don't really know you for some reason, I can see past that. But there's certain people that when they're smiling in your face and this has been personal, professional, all on french, all all that they're saying one thing, but it's you can tell it's not coming from a genuine place, and they're saying it with a smile and there's no, you know, quote, unquote little intent behind it, according to them, and my, my little senses start just activating.

Speaker 1:

So it's not that you have to come with me all like, because then I can see sometimes through that too. I'm so. It's not that you have to come with me all like because then I can see sometimes through that too. I'm like that's not genuine. You're trying to manipulate. The way you're saying it, the way you're twisting it, the way you're phrasing it. That's not so. I feel like my BS meter is always on high alert and it gets very exhausting and I can deal with someone who's just honest and in your face about like this is that, yeah, then the people that are more secretive about how they deal with you thinking that you're dumb, that I'm smarter than you?

Speaker 1:

and if I just say it like this you know she won't and I'm like no, you picked the wrong bitch baby, because no, you picked the wrong one.

Speaker 2:

When someone's lying to you, that is what they're doing.

Speaker 1:

They're undermining your intelligence yeah, they are, and it's infuriating to me because, yeah, and I don't play those games part of my struggle with that, like you talked about, like, just like peacefully walking away.

Speaker 3:

I cannot peacefully walk away.

Speaker 1:

I cannot you got it, you got. You got to say have you seen what is the one where angela bassett burns his clothes, or the car?

Speaker 2:

how stella got her. No, oh, waiting to exhale waiting to it?

Speaker 1:

was it waiting to exhale? I think it is waiting to exhale. That's you. Yeah, she burned his stuff and let the matcha walked away and it just went I can't quietly walk away if I'm frustrated by something.

Speaker 3:

I am a very vocal person and I cannot sweep shit under the rug. Yeah, I cannot. That's probably why I'm divorced. I cannot sweep shit under the rug. It gets crowded under there and when you hold stuff in and hold stuff in and you take shit and you take shit, then it is so frustrating and then one day I'll just explode Like, even if my plan is to walk away and never see or speak to you again, I want you to know how you made me feel. I want you to know how frustrated I am and I want you to know and it and you may take it with a grain of salt and not do shit about it, but at least I got it off my chest, or you may think twice in the next situation that you're in. But I cannot sweep stuff under the rug.

Speaker 3:

If somebody and this it doesn't matter if I am in a professional setting, personal my marriage, my baby daddies, both of them I just I can't. I need you to know that I'm frustrated and I am. I have to vocalize what I'm feeling to the person that made me feel that way. And I agree with Leonette, I pride myself on me being extremely self-aware. Any altercation that I have, I guarantee you I am in the bath or the shower that evening, or as soon as I can after that, thinking what could I have done differently? And I'm feeling this way about this person and I'm so infuriated. But this person. Are they feeling the same way about me? Are they thinking that I'm feeling this way about this person and I'm so infuriated with this person? Are they feeling the same way about me? Are they thinking that I'm a bitch? Are they thinking that I had ill intent? Or?

Speaker 3:

You know, I am so self-aware and there have been many occasions in my life where I've had to go back and apologize. Whether it was, you know, because I blew up or said something I shouldn't have said, or whatever the case may be. I have gone back and apologize. And then there are just certain situations where I'm like I don't think I could have done anything differently. I don't think I could have my. My heart was completely pure in that situation. Bree, I love that you reflect.

Speaker 2:

I, I do. I do the same thing, but my, my issue is that I allow. I also do. Don't like to sweep things under the rug, but it really depends on who you're dealing with. If you're dealing with a person who you can't bring up, something that's difficult or hard, I become a volcano. Oh yeah, same Me too. And that monster that lives inside all of us. I don't like shiny's monster Like I love mine.

Speaker 1:

Mine is just kidding. Yeah, I don't like mine because mine comes with very specific language and words. I don't have to cuss, but the vocabulary that I use in words I don't have to cuss, but the vocabulary that I use will put you in your place and scare you. It is quite scary. I don't even have to yell, I can just be. I can just literally talk like this Use my big girl words and you're like what? The hell? She went to college.

Speaker 2:

She's using her big girl words. I turned into a potty mouth.

Speaker 1:

I learned that recently. It's so weird because I've been cussing a lot more. But I do that when I'm just like I just need to vent, like that. But when I'm talking to someone, when I'm finding like I need to say this to this person, that goes out the window. Except sometimes I'm're pretty sorry that effort comes out, but it's in the past. But but you like to cuss back to, so, but I don't even cuss in those situations I get very zen and I'm like this these are my words and I literally will pray about it lord, give me the words, because I know how I can be, I know I can fly off the handle and I don't want to be that way because my message is not going to come across if I'm cussing. So I pray about it. To be honest, I say I say a prayer and say give me the words so that I don't like go crazy, and you can tell too, as somebody who's been on the receiving end of it.

Speaker 3:

seriously, for me I'll, I'll expose it and I'll say that your dog is ugly. Your great mom is bald, like I'll say the stupidest shit just out of anger, but for you, you can tell that it's like you mean what you're saying and you've thought about what you're saying. And what you're saying, whether or not it's good, it's coming from the heart and it's how you genuinely feel.

Speaker 1:

I had to grow into that. I had to grow into that I used to like. That's why your teeth are crooked. Yeah, that's why your breath smells, do you?

Speaker 2:

is that, do you think that that's an influence with Philip? Yes, because that sounds so mature. Yes, it is mature Because I feel, like I become immature.

Speaker 1:

I did too, I did too.

Speaker 2:

And you know it was Philip. It's a new thing, but this immature side comes out. Oh yeah, it's like an immature monster.

Speaker 1:

Oh, mine too. Mine used to be immature and Philip would look at me.

Speaker 3:

He's like I not doing this, I can, I can grow up. Yeah, monster can grow up. Yeah, you said dad, being like that used to be frustrating. Oh yeah, very. He's the type of person that you could go to him and be like. I was walking down the street and john just slapped me across the face for no reason, unprovoked, and that'll be like well, it's gonna be okay, let's just pray about it. There's a reason that happened and this was supposed to teach you something and I'm like no sir, absolutely fuck not, and it would be frustrating, because you're like why are you so calm?

Speaker 1:

yeah, no it's emotional intelligence. No, I grew from him because I used to have a petty, immature monster. She's still in there. She comes out when I'm venting to you girls. That's my petty, but on people I try to be more constructive because it hasn't worked for me in the past.

Speaker 3:

It's funny to see Leonette vent with dad in the room. Sometimes it's kind of like which way do I look, which way do I lean? Because lean, that'll be like ah, and I'll be like baby, baby. It just happens. That's not what we're going to do, baby.

Speaker 2:

That's not what we're going to do, Except I'm like.

Speaker 3:

I think she's doing it already, so it's happening.

Speaker 1:

She came over for dinner and I was just ranting and raving Like I just had to let it out. And that's exactly what he's doing. He's like he gets quiet. I'm cussing.

Speaker 3:

I'm yelling Like that's not what we're going to do, baby.

Speaker 1:

And it wasn't about him. I'm not yelling at him. I'm venting about a situation and he's just yo, yeah, no, no, it's going to be fine. No, no, we're going to be okay. It's going to be okay. No, it could be. I love you, but it could be very frustrating. When you're in the moment I need you to be best with me, damn it.

Speaker 2:

I need you to be on my side. You're going to be like, let's light the torch, yes, and I'm like yes.

Speaker 3:

I want to work.

Speaker 1:

But he'll never he will put your torch out. We're not doing that. We're not. God wouldn't want that. That's the devil, and I'm just like fuck the devil.

Speaker 3:

That's true, that's the devil, fuck the devil, and you'll be like, well, yeah, yeah, exactly it's funny to see her venting to him and you're just sitting there like it's not even. And then I'll start Exactly it's funny to see her venting to him and you're just sitting there like this.

Speaker 1:

But it's not even Like no, leonette, that's not what we're doing. And then I'll start from the beginning and say the same thing, like okay, it's the end. And then I'm like and then another thing, and then let me, I'll start from the beginning, just in case you didn't hear me. It's hilarious.

Speaker 3:

Let me summarize. The other night dad was grilling and he was like walking. We were in the kitchen and he was on the deck outside grilling and he would like Leonette's. Like screaming at me, not at me. She was like screaming to me and dad would walk in and be like calm down baby.

Speaker 2:

And just like walk right back outside, Four minutes later he'd walk back in and she's still screaming about the same thing, but a different way.

Speaker 1:

He was like I, hilarious. I have to. That's how I get it out. I get it out of my system because I know I can't do that to the people that I'm frustrated with. Yes, so that when I, you know, started, yeah, I have to have a conversation. I'm like, collect your thoughts. Yes, you let it out about it. Let's pray about it and we're gonna be okay. So thank you for you know, understanding and being there, both of you always encouraging, so I need to let out my immature to your friends.

Speaker 2:

yes, yeah, and that's that's that's my struggle. Yes, is I have a problem with responding versus reacting. I mean, no, I re, I react versus respond and and on the on the shelf of like really overreacting sometimes, because we were talking about this, that sometimes people can be contagious and their frustration or their anxiety or their fear can somehow creep onto us. Yeah, a thousand percent. Yeah, and I think that's the empath part, that we can feel those feelings and I don't like it. So I want to just give it right back.

Speaker 3:

I saw a picture on Facebook the other day and it was one good like ripe strawberry and one moldy strawberry, but the ripe strawberry was laying on the moldy one and it started to mold.

Speaker 1:

yeah, and it's like make sure you're aware of who you surround yourself with so funny, because I saw the same one, but it was oranges, like little tangerines, and I literally saved it because I'm like wanting to share this, you know, post it or something, because it's true, you start becoming this ugly version of yourself and I didn didn't like being that way. It just made me feel ugly. I mean, I feel that there's certain safe spaces with you, brie, and with you, shainu, phillip, and there's other friends where I can just like totally be myself, just vent and say it. However the hell, I want to say it and you guys receive it, because you guys know my heart and you understand. And then also, you give me perspective when you feel like I need to look at it in a different way, and I love that, like I like it when people don't just say, oh yeah, you're right, you're right, you're the best and therefore, no, give me perspective and this is don't escalate it yeah, yeah, no, I, I.

Speaker 1:

So I just appreciate you guys listening to me. Appreciate you, yes, because I got a big ass mouth.

Speaker 3:

I love it. You can't remove yourself from that person. Yeah, that's. That's where's a huge conflict, because there are certain situations where you can't remove yourself. I have a few in my life right now. One example would would be like a baby daddy. You know that's true. You got to deal with it. They're going to be in my life forever for the sake of my children. Yeah, you have to learn how to. I can't freaking stand them or want to never see their stupid face again. I have to next Friday. Or if there's something going on with one of my kids, I have to communicate with them.

Speaker 3:

So I think that the tricky part in this is Navi. It's I think I'm dealing with a friendship right now that I'm in the midst of letting go, and of course, it's hard and it's sad and I'm going to have to grieve that relationship, but it's. I'm at ease about it because I know I can walk away. Why do I ever have to see this person again, do I? There's no reason. I have no ties to this person aside from you know the friendship we built and everything like that.

Speaker 1:

But then there are situations, work situations or relationships that you have to have a relationship, and that's when you have to like, learn. That's why that's why it's so important to grow as a person absolutely because that's when you learn how to calm yourself and use your big girl words. I have learned that. However, it's not always easy and it's not always fun, and I do get highly frustrated.

Speaker 3:

A wise woman told me about two weeks ago that the cream always rises to the top, and that has played in my head over and over these past couple of weeks. Because I'm like as long as I know, my heart is pure. I'm constantly self-analyzing and looking at situations I could have done things different or reacted differently. As long as I know I have good intentions and I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing and I'm excelling at what I need to be doing, the cream rises to the top.

Speaker 2:

Yes, so I want that confidence. That's what I would like to build in myself is the assurance that it's okay whatever they think, whatever they say, whatever they do. It's not about me, and I know my heart, I know my intentions, I know the people in my life that love me and that's what I want to do.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and the thing and the thing is, these other people may not look at us and think that about us, and that's okay. They might think that we have horrible intentions and that were whatever they've made up in their head, and that's okay because, you know, god sees our heart and only we know, and he knows when our heart truly is.

Speaker 3:

And a funny little spin on that is, if you're feeling this way out of whether it be envy or intimidation, or you think I'm smarter than you, or you think I'm prettier than you, that's a compliment. Carry on with your bad self, because I feel good and let's just spin it.

Speaker 1:

It's a compliment. They think I'm amazing. Also, you love me self because I feel good and let's just spin it. It's a compliment. They think I'm amazing. Also, love me is what I'm seeing and this is what's bringing my anger out in you. Let's talk about it.

Speaker 2:

That's a trick on your confidence. That's a trick on your confidence. It's good talking about you so much. You must be that important, yeah.

Speaker 3:

I love it. I try to find the positive in all situations.

Speaker 2:

I'll show you my way so you don't have to be mad. Just one more thing, and this is for me personally and I think it's for all of us God intentionally removes people. I've recognized that to make space for those that maybe I didn't See or they didn't have a bigger. They were taking up a bigger space in my life and God's got my back Exactly.

Speaker 1:

And we'll end it at that, and if you guys have any other ways that we can deal with complicated people, challenging people stupid, mean people stupid stupid is kind of harsh, but mean people or ugly people, manipulative people or hurt people, then please let us know virago247podcast at gmailcom. We would love for you to give us input so that we can grow together yeah now for the virago library.

Speaker 2:

We need, like a virago library, music okay, we do work on that, right what we just spoke about. One one evening we were talking about a segment called I wrote a song.

Speaker 1:

Well, yeah, so we were drinking heavily, not heavily, not heavily, not heavily, but for some reason it got us to a giddy state of mind. And Shiny wants to have what song did you write? So she wrote one, and I didn't think she was actually going to do it. I did.

Speaker 2:

I'm just going to, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna are you gonna rap it?

Speaker 1:

are you gonna sing it? Is it country? Is it rap? It's country. Hip-hop, okay, okay it's.

Speaker 2:

Oh, now I'm, now I'm getting stage fright. No, was radio freight radio right, yes, podcast, right you got this okay, god is good, beer is great and people are crazy wait is this your real song.

Speaker 2:

Wait a minute, I didn't write it, I heard it on radio. I'm not kidding, you know I write okay, I didn't all the time because I always have a notebook in my purse and I heard that song and I I literally wrote like the date, lol. And wrote God is good, beer is great, people are crazy, god is good. And because I want my friends to also be writing stuff. I have a little gift for Brie.

Speaker 1:

Oh, there's, gifts, yes.

Speaker 2:

Oh, Brie, In today's vault there's gifts. I have a little notebook for your purse.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that is so cute. It's a notebook with pretty flowers.

Speaker 2:

Guess who's there. Guess who's there. The feelings wheel. Oh, I love this. Oh my gosh, I need to wear my glasses. You might need to wear glasses. Oh, I love it. It's really shiny. What is it called? It's a feelings wheel. Mm-hmm, let me see. And it's color-coded and I love color-coded things.

Speaker 1:

So wait, so it has. Okay, I'll have to look and see. So those, oh, I love that. Oh, so if you're happy, this is what's happening.

Speaker 2:

If you're angry, this is why I'm going to color it real next to you, shiny, thank you, because if we can name it, we can tape it. Yes, thank you so much. Thank you, shaina, you're so sweet.

Speaker 1:

You're so sweet, so I've never heard this country song before, but I love it. I think it's my new motto.

Speaker 2:

You're so sweet, here's good. So today I was thinking People are crazy. Like I said, I really enjoy writing and the three of us are. You know we don't have a name for ourselves, but I put together the hot mamas, I put together LBS, which stands for pounds, and we're the pounds you want to hold on to. I like it.

Speaker 3:

We're the pounds you want to hold on to A poet and I didn't even know it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, she's bringing some literature to the library.

Speaker 3:

I love that the pounds you want to hold on to. I'm going to text that to my ex-husband how much the pounds you lost.

Speaker 2:

We're not. We're not weight, we're. We're the weight you want to carry, Absolutely. I love that.

Speaker 3:

I love you guys. That's brilliant.

Speaker 2:

So I'll do it. It's going to be really quick, but I just came up with stuff that I've researched in. Even my own stuff, because I'm personally working on this is people think that my smile is just plastered on my, on my face, all day long, every day. But really it's a mindset. I choose to be happy despite everything that's going on, and even today, where I was heavy hearted, even though it's is it Friday or free day, I call it free. I tell my kids it's not Saturday, it's Friday. So that's where they came from Saturday.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so one of the things that make me happy and I think everybody here can agree is when we write a list and we do things and we cross it off, how much joy that brings it does. That's a little thing that we can do and it can be every day. It could be a to-do list, it could be a gratitude list, it could be one day you're like you know what I really love? My friends. I'm going to write their names down, Like when we were kids. We have a crush on a boy, we write his name, but we can write the friends we love. Their names can make us happy. Or ideas. Ideas make us so happy and it makes us feel pretty brilliant.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it does. I was going to do that today, but I took a nap instead. That's okay. You know what Tomorrow's a's okay. Tomorrow's a new day. That sounds like a song.

Speaker 3:

I have so much anxiety and so much worry about the future and so it's so easy for me to get yes, it's so easy for me to get like in a depressive state of mind. So I physically have to write a list of things that I'm grateful for, and it can be small things. It can be when my kids go to sleep and I have 14 minutes to myself. That sort of thing Does it help you? That's great, it helps me?

Speaker 2:

Yes, cause it's a lot. It's not happy people that are grateful, it is grateful people that are happy. Oh, I like that and I think that that's. I think that's a common denominator for those that are unhappy is they're concentrating on the things that aren't working out. But the truth is we all have things that aren't working and things that are difficult and hard. But if we could concentrate on what we have and be grateful, that does bring you automatic joy, absolutely. And so that was. Gratitude equals happy. Beer is great. We already went on that.

Speaker 2:

Circling back to what we were all saying about growth mindset, I think the first step is being aware that we need one. Yeah, so when we're looking towards people that are like-minded is that's what we have in common? Is that we're self-aware and checking ourselves, and we may not check ourselves right in that moment Because, like I said, I have a tendency to be reacting lately instead of quietly pausing and responding. But I am aware of it and I want to work on it, love it. And my last thing was trying not to sweat the small stuff. Oh yeah, these little things. I sometimes think to myself when I'm sweating something that's minor, I literally tell myself I hope this, I forget this as soon as possible, and tomorrow is a new day, or this evening is a new evening. Yeah, I love it and that's all I got.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, father of the Virago Library. I do have one thing that I want to end with. It's not really a quote, but it's something that I found on Pinterest that goes to what we were talking about. So it says it says my therapist taught me that not my therapist personally, but the person who ever posted this on Pinterest my therapist taught me that words matter Instead of saying I can't, say it's not a priority for me right now.

Speaker 1:

Replace I'm jealous of them with. I'm inspired by them. Replace I have to do this with. I get to do this, brianne, and I talked about that recently. Replace I failed with this. Attempt didn't work. Replace why is this happening to me with? What am I learning from this? Words matter because, even if you don't fully mean them, your brain can't tell the difference.

Speaker 3:

I love that, liana. I want you to send me that. I'll send it to you, I'll post it. I love that, leonette. I want you to send me that I'll send it to you.

Speaker 1:

I'll post it I love that Same.

Speaker 2:

Okay, we have time.

Speaker 1:

I have a random thought. Random statement of observation has nothing to do what we've talked about. So I've been driving around you know our area, peachtree Corners taking kids to school and I've observed I've always observed this, but finally I'm like we should talk about this topic. I want to know why do people, when it's fall and there's leaves we have a ton of trees in our area and the leaves are everywhere why do they rake them and put them in a bag for someone to pick them up, when it's just part of nature and it's going to go away eventually and like why are you wasting your time like raking up leaves? Like we have a yard person that's a wonderful ass question.

Speaker 2:

I'm just saying why are you wasting your time? I'm scared where this is going because I don't know. It was just a question I asked myself so I was afraid, why aren't her leaves no?

Speaker 3:

that's a great question because that can never be me outside in the fall, breaking down leaves they are raking leaves.

Speaker 2:

They're raking the leaves whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa this is this is you feel? Very strongly about it. You drop the mic. She almost followed it down to the floor. She's like why are you raking the leaves Mic?

Speaker 1:

drop. Sorry, mic drop, I was so passionate about the leaves that, when Mike fell, they're raking the leaves and I don't understand why. That's a great question. So we have a yard person and so, phillip, they came yesterday and so they have the blower. So we don't have leaves right now, but it's not because I raked them and put them in a bag and waited for a truck to come pick them up. What and why? So, anyways, I just observed and I wanted to bring it to the table and I need to know why if you're a reek, a reek if you're a leaf raker.

Speaker 1:

Why are you wasting your time of mine?

Speaker 3:

to write the leaves. I want to know this actually. Please respond to this.

Speaker 1:

I want to know Right. And when I say we had so many leaves on the driveway, it did not bother me, it did not. I don't give a shit, Amen. I'm like this is to me, it's beautiful.

Speaker 3:

Yes, and if you're my apartment complex thing to this, saturday morning at 7 am is not a good time to break the or blow the leaves. Thank, you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you PSA to you Carson. Anyways, random thought of the day, just I thought you two would have an answer, but I guess not. Well, part of the why are you raking your leaves club.

Speaker 2:

No, I'm part of the. I'm not raking my leaves, but my kids did start doing it, so it's, I'm trying. I'm trying for the people who think it's really messy, I'm trying. No, we're in the same boat.

Speaker 1:

I think it's beautiful and maybe it brings them a sense of hey, maybe it's on their to-do list and they're the people that have to like check something off and they feel accomplished. I think it's a waste of a day to rake all these leaves.

Speaker 2:

It's. They fall in love with raking leaves Rant over I was gonna say Let me know how about that rant?

Speaker 1:

It's a great question to know. Have a wonderful week, my fellow Viragos, and talk to you soon. Bye, bye, bye. Thank you so much for listening to Virago 24-7. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five-star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram, at virago247, and on Facebook, at virago247. And just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you.

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Lyanette Talley

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