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The Human Experience

• Lyanette Talley • Episode 89

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Navigating the interwoven complexities of family and work has never been a stroll in the park, and every choice comes with its share of second-guessing. Join me, Lyanette Talley, as I lay bare my own intricate dance of stepping into an interim manager role at Innovative Smiles while fiercely guarding my husband Philip's interests. Our journey together in this episode also weaves through the emotional battlefield that is my stepmother Karen's terminal cancer diagnosis. It's a candid exploration of the push and pull between control and trust, a reflection that many of you, no doubt, can resonate with.

Life's deepest challenges often serve as a catalyst for growth and newfound connections. This episode is no exception as it captures the essence of rekindling lost relationships amidst crisis. You'll hear how an unexpected conversation with my stepmom, Karen, led to a renewed sense of family, and how that rippled through to my siblings and myself. We're peeling back the layers of family dynamics, sharing the moments of vulnerability and the power of compassionate communication that can turn a family crisis into a path toward healing.

Cultural roots run deep, and they often shape our very being without us even knowing. I'll take you on a heartfelt journey back to Cotuí, where my Dominican heritage comes alive through vibrant stories. It's a celebration of the familial bonds and cultural connections that define us, reminding us all of the simple yet profound joys that make up our life stories. So, sit back, and let's share the embrace of our collective histories and the strength they give us as everyday warriors.

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley


Speaker 1:

Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with Everyday Warriors. Hey everyone, happy April. Hope you guys are all doing well. I am, I'm doing great.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just here to share a few things, a few things that have been going on in my world, a few things going on in my head. Scary in there that head. But no, hi everyone, I'm here today by myself. I know the past two shows were with my lovely husband, philip, and hope you enjoyed our candid conversation about marriage. So today I'm just honestly going to talk from my heart and I don't have any articles today I do have. Well, okay, I'll take it back. I don't have articles that I looked up, but I do have something I'm going to read that Kaylin wrote years ago, but we'll get to that. But I'm just here just to just let you all know what's been going on.

Speaker 1:

So if you've been listening, you know that I've been at the office and I've become interim manager and that I wanted the position to be, you know, permanent manager. And you know behind the scenes we were having lots of conversations about that and you know the reason being of me wanting to stay there at the office is to protect Philip, to have his back. He trusts me, I know what he wants and we communicate very well together and work very well together. So that was my reasoning behind it. Do I want to emerge myself back into the office? No, realistically no, but I got to look out for my husband, so you know. And then on the flip side, he's like trying to look out for me. I don't want you to get sucked back in. I want you to focus on your endeavors and growing your podcast and being at home for the kids, and so we've had those conversations behind the scenes.

Speaker 1:

And then we did have some interviews with different potentials for an office manager and we did find one that we really, really liked and I was in the interviews. He wanted me to be in them to give him feedback, and so I did meet all of them. The one that we chose we really, really like, and instead of throwing her into the practice, of throwing her into the practice, she has been training. Yes, someone can be in the dental fields for many, many, many years, but the way things are run in our practice are different than a different practice. So, instead of throwing someone in there, we are doing baby steps, and so she's offsite doing training, learning the ropes for what Innovative Smile needs, and I'm there in the meantime making sure things are afloat and pretty much preparing the path for her to come in.

Speaker 1:

So, you know, with a lot of conversations, and so, you know, with a lot of conversations, that's what we came to and I had to respect it. It kind of, if I'm going to be honest, it was like, oh, I really just feel like I need to be there. However, I had to really check myself and it's like is it a control thing? Am I holding on too tightly? Because of, you know, past managers that didn't work out. So, either way, I respected the decision because it was, you know, phillip's decision, but it was also we have a regional manager that's over me and and so you know, she felt that someone else coming in would be best. So, not because I'm not doing a good job, it's just more of a you know, I guess they call it conflict of interest on that side. But for Philip it's more of he doesn't want me to get sucked back in, because when I'm in I'm all in.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, so that's the update on Innovative Smiles. I will slowly phase out Come summertime. I may work part-time if they need me. So, yeah, so that's where we are. And some other things have been happening personally that I'm like do I talk about it, do I not? Am I going to rub people the wrong way, especially family members? But the reason I started the podcast is it's an outlet for people to be honest with what's going on in their lives, with their feelings, with people around them. People around them, and what I'll share is based on my experience, my involvement. Anything that I don't elaborate on it's because it's not my story to tell. So you know a few. I think it's been a month or so.

Speaker 1:

I found out that my stepmom is battling cancer and she's putting up a really great fight and it is I don't want to say this word but it is terminal. There is a chance and she has chosen to fight it and to seek treatment. So that's where she is and when I found it out. So the backstory on Karen a lot of you know, but if you haven't listened to every single episode, I'll just give you a quick summary. So Karen and my dad got married when I was in elementary school. I don't remember the age, but she's been in my life pretty much since I could remember Early elementary school age maybe six, five, six, seven, seven, around that age and she had two children already previously and then my dad had two children with my mom and then when they married they had a son. And so there are five of us, two girls, three boys, and I am the oldest technically of you know my dad and mom's children, but I'm second oldest in the lineup of the five of us.

Speaker 1:

So I haven't always, I haven't always seen eye to eye with Karen and I feel, I feel like early on I knew that we were just two different humans, even at a very, very young age and as adults. When I became an adult and got married I thought, okay, maybe that was a childhood thing, but it's, it's just a personality thing, the way we see the world, and I don't need to get into the details of why I decided to kind of step away and all the you know the things that we got into. It's. It's irrelevant at this point, but after my dad passed away, I chose to kind of step away from that, for for me personally, for my peace of mind, everyone has a different relationship with her or with each other, but for me personally, I needed to step away and create distance for myself, and so I did, and you know we've had contact. It's not like it was I'd never see her or I've never talked to her, it's just very limited. And so that's how it's been for the past.

Speaker 1:

I would say maybe nine years, eight years, eight, nine years. My dad has been gone for 10 years, so you know maybe nine. And you know see her at special events or you know a text here and there. And so when I heard this news, it's like hmm, what? Obviously I'm just like wow, and saddened for my siblings who you know that's their mother, and just saddened at the situation and then wanting to be there, but not knowing my place of, do I go see her? What do I do? And I'll be honest, it was. It was I don't know why, it was a struggle, but it was a struggle for for like a week straight I was crying every single day, trying to figure out how to be there for her but not come across as like this fake person, because this whole time I haven't really spoken to her. And then now, now she gets sick, and then, and then here I come in swooping and thinking that you know, we're tight, I don't know.

Speaker 1:

You know, I, the thing that I struggle with, I battle myself a lot. I, if I'm ever like upset about something, it's because I am struggling internally with myself, not anyone else. It's I was trying to describe it to Philip. It's like the one side of me is my human side and the other side is like the spiritual side that wants to do right by people. But my human side is everybody, and so just always a battle within myself, and that's, um, that's where I get very just, um, sad. Or when I'm hurting, it's because I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Speaker 1:

And so, you know, my siblings were my sister has been amazing, you know taking care of her mother. She had been there, she had surgery, so she had been there for her mom, and then my brothers were all going. And then I'm like, well, do I go? What do I do? And I'm like you know what, instead of like guessing let's. You know, I had sent her, I had sent Karen a text just letting her know that I'm praying for her, thinking of her.

Speaker 1:

So let me call the source, let me call her and see what she needs from me or wants for me, if anything. So I called her and you know she, we talked, and man, we talked, and man, she's just so positive about everything and just has this positive outlook on. She understands the prognosis, but she just is like I'm going to do all I can to be here as long as I can and just seeing that side, it was refreshing, to be honest. It was like wow, yeah, it's like refreshing, to be honest. It was like wow, yeah, it's just a different side of Karen, and it's not even the words, it's the feeling, the feeling that I felt with her talking through the phone. So she basically said you know, it's nice, I would love for you to come, but everyone's here this weekend and then everyone's just going to leave and then I'm just going to feel like lonely. So it'd be nice to have visitors spread out. I said, perfect. So you let me know when you would like me to come in.

Speaker 1:

So that's how we ended the conversation and so we were in a group text with my siblings. And this is where I'm not going to share every little detail because it's not my story to tell. But you know, my sister's keeping us updated and on what's going on and all the visits and treatment and stuff and sending pictures and just keeping everybody in the loop, the five of us, and which has been really nice to just have all of us communicating, just us, nobody else. And you know, my sister was having some struggles up there with family members and I'm not going to get into it, it's not my story to tell but a lot of frustration and I said, you know, next time you go up there, let me know and we can be together. And you know and I haven't really talked to my sister either there's been kind of you know, nothing major has happened, but I'm sure she's felt it and I felt it that, you know, we just haven't been communicating the way we we had in the past, um, the past few months. We just, you know, just haven't really touched base a whole lot. So we were able to chat and text and talk and and really connect. And how do I feel and how does she feel about everything. And that was really really nice. And so she was supposed to go up there and it was like mid-March and I said, great, I'll go too. So, like I said, it was a struggle. The struggle part wasn't oh, I'm going to go see Karen to be there with her, because her and I had the talk and she was fine and I'm fine and everything was great. I felt good, like, okay, good, I get to go see her, see her in person, and let her know that I care and that I'm praying for her.

Speaker 1:

But a backstory is, she has she's the youngest of six and she has four sisters and she had a brother, an older brother, and he passed away a few years ago sisters, and she had a brother, an older brother, and he passed away a few years ago. But with the sisters, you know, I used to get along with them. And then throughout the years, you know, I started my family. I butted heads with two of them maybe, and they don't like my style of communication. I don't know, I honestly don't know. So I've distanced myself from them too, as they've distanced themselves from me. And it's just this, I guess a mutual agreement and not to get all into it and throwing people under buses. It's just we just are different people, and I'm sure they've heard a lot of things about me that might be true, may not be true either, or I don't know. I don't know the extent. It's just we keep our distance and so, not just going up there to see Karen, but also what I called going into like a lion's den and not knowing what I'm going to get, because I haven't been in communication with anybody from that side of the family, I feel more like an outsider and maybe because I've put myself on the outside and it is what it is. So there was a lot of prayers and a lot of Lord be with me and give me the peace, and I'm a big girl and I can handle this.

Speaker 1:

So, leading up to going to, she lives in Ohio. My sister got sick and so she wasn't able to come up there, but her husband and her kids were already going up there because it was their spring break. But my sister wasn't going to be there because obviously, for obvious reasons, you don't want sick people around someone who's going through treatment. And I went up there. I decided to stay in a hotel so that I had my space away and it was great. The one sister that probably has the most animosity towards me didn't show up, but I got to see the other three sisters, and her kids and Karen, and just had and our good friend Tammy, and just had some really nice conversations, just laughing and and and just talking for hours. And I was there for a weekend, so it was a quick in and out. Fortunately my sister was coming the day that I was leaving.

Speaker 1:

But you know, we were able just to really talk about how she's feeling, about the whole thing and decisions that she would want to make without ruffling anybody's feathers, and it's just a lot of big things. And my advice was this is Karen's life. My advice was this is Karen's life. She needs to do what's best for her and not worry about ruffling anybody's feathers, because she's the one having to fight this disease and fight and go through treatment and she's the one that gets to decide what she wants from her life. And there's just a lot of passive aggressiveness in that part of the family. And you know, I was very open with my sister. I'm like you guys are all very passive, aggressive, where you don't really share everything, but you have all these feelings behind the scenes and you know. So.

Speaker 1:

We chatted a little bit about that and she asked me how my visit was, and I was like you know it was that. And she asked me how my visit was and I was like you know what. It was great. And she was honest. She said, me and Anthony, our youngest brother, we were praying for you, making sure that everything was going well because we didn't know. I said, listen, to be honest, I was feeling the same way. I'm a tough girl and a tough cookie, but I have feelings and emotions behind this toughness. And I said I cried every single day, monica, to be honest, and so I think it's shocking for some people to hear that. But I said I pray too, and so I guess your prayers and my prayers were answered because it was a good visit.

Speaker 1:

But that's what's going on in our world is, you know, caring and praying for her, and my prayers are for peace and comfort for her, for whatever happens, whatever God has in store, whatever his plan is, is for everyone to have peace and comfort, and there's always, you know, there's a lot of details that I'm leaving out. Like I said, not everything is my story to tell and so, yeah, it's one of those things of when you're estranged from someone but then you find out that they're battling something or fighting or something has happened to them. How do you feel? What do you do? What's your place? And I'm glad I went. I'm glad I saw her. I felt a different energy and a different spirit coming from her and I just wish her well. So lots of I saw her, I felt a different energy and a different spirit coming from her and I just wish her well. So lots of prayers to her and to my siblings. Yeah, prior to that, all of this happening, I just I've been.

Speaker 1:

I look in the mirror. It's weird. I look in the mirror, I look in the mirror and I see my dad and my grandmother, his mom. I look in the mirror and I'm like man, as I'm aging, as I'm getting older, I feel like I look very much like them Facial expressions, like when I first wake up in the morning. Just I kind of have similar expressions as them and just like, wow, how cool just to look in the mirror and see my ancestors, my family. And there's this Snapchat, if you all know. You guys know Snapchat and like the little images and your face changes. And there was one with a guy. So my face turned, I looked like a man and I'm like, oh my gosh, I look just like my dad and I look like my brothers, who have similar features as him. So crazy. And you know, so this thing with Karen happens and it's just like wow, is this like an end of a chapter, an end of an era? And it just makes you think man. Like one of my brothers said, it's like our kids are not going to be able to experience them. And you know, kaylin, since she's the oldest, spent a lot of time with both of them, with my dad and with Karen. So she was able to learn a lot and it's such a coincidence.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if it's coincidence, I don't know if I believe in coincidences, but I was going through my emails and I don't like clutter. I don't like clutter in my home and I don't like clutter in my emails. So I was cleaning emails out and I went to the bottom and I've kept this for since 2019. And I've kept this since 2019. So Kaylin wrote something this beautiful. It's called the Taino Project is what she called it. So this was back in 2019. So she had just graduated high school. She just started at SCAD, where she just graduated yay, in November and she's walking and doing the ceremony in June, but she already has her diploma and we're very happy for her.

Speaker 1:

But she wrote this and I saw it and I was laying in bed when I was cleaning out my emails and I read it again because it's just been sitting I haven't deleted it, it's just been sitting there and I read through it and I was like, oh my gosh, like everything is just coming together, me feeling like this connection, because it ebbs and flows with this connection and this reminder of my dad. Obviously he'll always be a part of me, but it's not something that I'm always feeling, feeling his presence, but lately I have. So then I'm reading through this and I remember at the time I wanted to share it, but then, you know, life happened and then I started the podcast and I was like, oh, don't forget to that. And then I forgot to share this and so I asked Caitlin, are you okay with me reading this on the podcast, because it really just sums up a lot of how I've been feeling. She just has a beautiful way with words. So let me stop crying and I will read it to you. Let me stop crying and I will read it to you.

Speaker 1:

The town that my mother's side of the family is from is a small village in the Dominican Republic called Cotuí. Cotuí is a rural town that is so small it is believed that I am somehow related to everyone who lives there. It's a joke in my family that my uncle's wife, who was born and raised in the town, might accidentally be a distant cousin because of how closely all the families in the village are intertwined. My family and my uncle's wife's family are kind of related through marriage of our cousin, 20 times removed, and her brother's, father's uncle's daughter's neighbor got married or something like that, but they aren't blood related, so it's fine. Got married or something like that, but they aren't blood-related, so it's fine.

Speaker 1:

Encotui, my great-great-grandfather, abuelo Pepe, works on his farm, despite concerns from relatives that at the age of 100 and whatever he is too old to work as hard as he does. I say 100 and whatever because we are unsure of his real age. When he was born, the system for registering births through the government and getting a birth certificate meant going to the Capitol and, with small children in the early 1900s, the journey from a small rural community to the city couldn't be made with an infant. Instead, parents usually waited until the child was about five or six to get them officially registered. So although legally he will be turning 106 this month, he's a couple years older. He is very healthy, with the exception of cataracts. If you were wondering Side note this is my side note he did pass away in 2021, I believe. Yeah, that's when he passed away in his sleep, which is, I'm sure, a lovely way to go in your hundreds.

Speaker 1:

Back to the story. When Americans talk about the DR, they often describe its clear blue waters that they swam in on their vacation resort. When I visited Cotuí at the age of five, all I saw was farm and bugs. Nowhere close to any beaches. I would get continuously eaten by mosquitoes, so much that I perfected the relief technique of making an X with my nail instead of scratching it. That and the inescapable heat were my takeaways from the whole experience. Although it wasn't all bad, I can never get over how good their bread and butter tasted. For my five-year-old self, it was the best food I have ever had, which definitely isn't true knowing how delicious Dominicans cook rice and beans, but the one bit of Spanish I always remember learning there is pan con mantequilla.

Speaker 1:

By far the best memory I took back was getting my own cow. My grandfather, whom I call Papa, said to me you see, that cow, that's your cow. And that was that. A couple years later, papa comes back from a trip to the DR and I asked him how my cow was doing, to which he replied oh yeah, I think they ate him for your abuelo Pepe's birthday. Although it was a bit traumatizing, that cow makes me feel a bit connected to my family and culture. I was never taught Spanish by my mother and I can't dance bachata very well. That cow and all of the memories I made with my papa make me feel like I belong to my culture and as a biracial woman, black and Latina, I never really feel connected enough to either ethnicity that often.

Speaker 1:

My papa was an odd person. When I was younger he gave me five-foot-long bamboo stick. I've had it for so long that I don't remember getting it or why it was given to me. It's always been a normal accessory in my room and I've never questioned it until recently. Who gives their granddaughter a full-length bamboo stick? Another odd gift was a framed picture of a Taino cave painting that adorns my wall. Picture of a Taino cave painting that adorns my wall. On one of his visits to the DR, papa explored caves that had paintings drawn by the Native American tribe from which he believes my family is descended Probably about when I was 10 or 11, he gave me a 20-page book with a laminated cover that read the History of Our History.

Speaker 1:

This mini history book details the Taino culture, traditions, beliefs, socioeconomic structure, etc. My grandma said that she had to talk him out of writing a whole novel on that topic. Given that I was only a child. Now that I'm older, I wish he would have written a textbook on the subject with all of his commentary and personal stories. I don't know if I would have read it at all at the time, but it'd be nice to have.

Speaker 1:

My childhood was always sprinkled with subtle Taino references. When it came to my papa, his nickname for me was Princess Anacaona and my brother it was Bohechio. Back in the good old days, bohechio was a Taino cacique or chief of the region of Aragua, and was the brother of Anacaona. They lived a peaceful life until one day out pops, a certain explorer who got lost trying to get to India. Out pops a certain explorer who got lost trying to get to India.

Speaker 1:

The Tainos were happy to welcome and trade with these new strangers, being they were the first people to ever make contact with these oddly pale foreigners. Not to be racist, but I understand the Tainos' effort to try to help the Spaniards. Imagine never seeing a white person before. And here comes a boat full of people who don't have enough food or resources. My first thought would be to get them something to eat so they could get their color back. At first everyone got along swimmingly. The Spaniards got food and the Tainos thought they made new friends.

Speaker 1:

Then one day, cristobal Colon I don't know why we call him Christopher Columbus, he wasn't English and his henchmen decided to take it over. Wait for it Everything. At this point, bohechio had died and Caonabo Anacaona's husband was also a cacique of another region called Maguana was taken as a slave. Ana Caona had taken over as the cacique of Huaragua in her brother's place after his death and she led the fight against the Spaniards. That's when the Spaniards got the neat idea of murdering all of the Taino officials. So, like people on the right side of history always do, they rounded up the officials to burn them. They captured Anacaona and she was given a choice Live as a concubine am I allowed to say sex slave or die. And like the warrior queen she was, she chose to die with her people.

Speaker 1:

The whole thing sounds like something out of a fantasy novel. Even the names of the Taino territory regions sound magical. This is the great tragedy I grew up learning about. I felt the pain of Anakaona as if I was her reincarnated soul. I cried for the fate of her brother as if he was my own. Everything about the Tainos feels so personal. I forget that everyone doesn't see them that way. Most times people don't even recognize the name of the tribe.

Speaker 1:

In my junior year of high school we learned US history. Of course you can't learn about the US without starting from the time of exploration. When we learned about Colón landing in Hispaniola, the genocide of a whole civilization was only a page in a textbook to everyone else. I couldn't get over that, for some reason. I couldn't get over how people just glanced over one of the most horrific tragedies in human history Through disease and violence. 90% of Tainos were wiped from the earth like they were nothing their culture, their children, their traditions, their gods, their thoughts, their celebrations, their lives just vanished. Thoughts, their celebrations, their lives just vanished. Three million forgotten graves, three million forgotten ghosts, a whole civilization reduced to a memory.

Speaker 1:

I don't bring up my papa's belief that we were Tainos often, but the few times I do it's met with. That can't be possible. They're extinct Like dinosaurs. To that I say my chances of being descended from the Tainos are better than most. The Tainos resided in the island of Puerto Rico and Hispaniola. My mother is both Puerto Rican and Dominican. A study was found that 61% of Puerto Ricans have indigenous DNA.

Speaker 1:

Now, I'm not saying that automatically means my family is descended from the Tainos or that there is such a thing as someone who exists that is purely Taino. However, I like to believe that I am for two reasons. One I want to prove that the Tainos are a strong and enduring presence on this earth. I don't want to look at the tribe as a single page in a history book, but as a culture that is relevant and very much alive. With this, I want their memory to survive, and a culture is best remembered through their descendants. The second reason is being a Taino makes me feel connected to my grandfather. The second reason is being a Taino makes me feel connected to my grandfather. It makes me feel connected to a culture which, like I said before, doesn't happen often. To believe that I am the product of my ancestors' struggle To survive gives me strength and a reason to keep living, when I don't understand the purpose of it.

Speaker 1:

My mother always says my papa was interested in tribal symbolism arrows, feathers, the moon. He said to me once that it doesn't matter where you are in the world, we all see the same sun and the same moon. On the night he died my mother was in the hospital in Florida to be with him in his final moments. She said that from the hospital room window you could see the full moon through the window. When he died she called my dad, who was at home with me and my siblings.

Speaker 1:

It was after I should have been in bed, but I went out into the dark hallway that was only lit by the small laundry room off to the side. He told me my papa was gone. I nodded because I was expecting it, but it still hurt to hear. Neither of us said anything, or if we did, I don't recall what was said. I just remember hugging in the dark with my eyes starting to fill with tears.

Speaker 1:

I went back into my room and laid on my bed that was underneath two window panes. As I lay crying, the curtain blinds were faded down and let in the light of the full moon. I passed my hand under the moonlight, trying to let it pull in my hand like water. Through the blinds I could see the face of the moon, like the face of God, looking down at me and reminding me that I am safe. That night I slept under the same moon my grandfather saw for the last time. I saw the same moon the Tainos saw when they lived in the days of peace and worked to build a civilization of more than 3 million people. I saw the same moon they saw when they fought for their survival. Everyone from the beginning of history has seen the same moon and the same stars. That is why, three weeks before my 18th birthday, I got a tattoo on my arm of the moon phases.

Speaker 1:

I always want to remember the lessons given to me by my ancestors, the lessons that teach me to be strong in the face of terror. The lessons that teach me to remember that we are all human beings and not merely that groups we label ourselves as. Most of all, it reminds me of the lessons of always remembering to honor my ancestors and their journey, so that I and my children will continue on their story. I'll see you all next week. Bye, thank you so much for listening to Virago 24-7. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five-star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram, at virago247, and on Facebook, at virago247, and just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you.

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Lyanette Talley

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