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Virago 24/7
Virago 24/7 is a podcast that brings women from all walks of life together. Host, Lyanette Talley, invites everyday women to talk about a variety of topics such as, marriage, divorce, children, friendships, self-love, self-care and really anything affecting our lives and our world. Conversations with friends are what help us feel like we are not alone. Virago 24/7 brings these conversations to you! A Virago is a woman who demonstrates heroic qualities. The original meaning is Latin for “female warrior.” The numbers 24/7 remind us that we are female warriors all day every day! Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors.
Virago 24/7
The Men of Virago: A Roundtable Discussion on Relationships, Gender, and Communication
Ever wondered why men take so long in the bathroom? That's just the tip of the iceberg in our revealing round-table discussion with a diverse panel of men, all ready to offer us the unfiltered scoop on relationships and gender dynamics from their point of view. From the lighthearted to the profound, we navigate through the terrain of marriage, intimacy, gender differences, and truth-telling, with a focus on respect and understanding for the evolving societal landscape.
This intimate journey takes us through the ups and downs of marriage and how hormones and brain function play into gender differences. We dig deep into the nuances of intimacy, beyond just sex, to uncover the shared private moments that forge a unique connection between partners. With a shift to the importance of healthy communication, we dissect the complexities of booty calls and relationships, and how the lack of intimacy can lead to infidelity.
We further discuss the changes in traditional gender roles and the mental load in household management, particularly the balance of financial responsibilities. Wrap up your day with our enlightening exploration of the mental load and household responsibilities, with a primary focus on the importance of healthy communication in relationships. Tune in and walk away enlightened, entertained, and equipped with a fresh perspective on the intricacies of modern masculinity.
Go to my website virago247.net for all things Virago 24/7
You can email me at virago247podcast@gmail.com
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Facebook: Virago 24/7
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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!
Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley
Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors. I have been so excited. This has been like a year in the making men of Virago and we're finally here. Can we get a cheers? Yeah, okay, they don't seem excited they're hella nervous.
Lyanette:But you know what? We're drinking our drinks. It's Friday night, we got our scotches, we got our vodkas and we're here to talk to the men's, so this is a woman's. Okay, men listen to the show, but it's mostly women, women driven, women geared, and I've always wanted to do a men's panel, so I'm thankful for the men that said yes to me. They're here today and we're going to go around the table so we can hear their voices and know who each one is. We have Hello hello beautiful people.
Lyanette:Contestant number one. Come on down, I am. You're the next contestant on the men of Virago. I've been drinking. We went out to a late lunch slash early dinner and I've been drinking.
Philip:Husband, significant other. We've been married for how long again?
Lyanette:Are you serious? You want me to answer? Oh my gosh, Listen, dude. We just celebrated like a month ago. Okay, you're close 18. 18.
Justin:18. 18. Oh, that's right. Yes, we're still in 23. September 24th. Thank you.
Philip:I do know so September 24th. We've been married for 18 years. I think we are growing closer every year.
Lyanette:Yeah, we'll qualify you as a good candidate for the men of Virago. You've dated a ton. Our daughter, our youngest daughter, says I think daddy's dated the whole alphabet. Every time we talk about Xs she literally says that so we literally have gone through the whole alphabet. Okay, did you date somebody with the letter A? And then he's like yeah, and so I think there's like maybe two letters of the alphabet that you haven't dated For real, like this is not made up. So his qualifications are he's been married for 18 years but he's dated a ton.
Philip:Well, you know now I know what I need. Okay, that's a good answer.
Lyanette:Who's number two men of Virago.
Justin:Men of Virago. I am Justin Okay, and I've been married for 17 years.
Lyanette:You've dated a lot too. I've known you since you were 14 years old, and I know how much you've dated. So I don't know about the alphabet, but you've dated a lot, so you too qualify to be on the men's panel.
Justin:Yes, I have dated a lot in my previous life before marriage yes, you have, yes, you have Very interesting, exciting life, and then I settled down, as they say.
Lyanette:All right, we'll get into that in a minute and we have contestant number three.
Milky:So my name is Milky Martinez and I'm the single in the group. It's a privilege for me to be here with these gentlemen, very smart intellectual gentlemen, so I'm just excited to see what they're going to bring into the table in this podcast.
Lyanette:Wonderful. So before we start, though, I promise the people that we will make sure that you guys are honest, and even though, fill up, you are married to me, I need you to be brutally honest, even if it has to do with me. I am a strong individual and I can take it, and we'll find about it later. Do we solemnly swear that we will tell the truth, and nothing but the truth? Yes, so help Varago 24-7. Yes, yes, okay.
Lyanette:I do you do? Okay? And before we start, Milky and I share a birthday. Woo-hoo November the 6th.
Justin:So Salute, Salute to us. Oh, it's about to be a birthday.
Lyanette:Salute to us. We're celebrating. This is the beginning of our birthday weekend With the men's panel. I'm excited. Happy birthday to you, milky.
Milky:Thank you Happy birthday to me.
Lyanette:I'm a lot older than him, but that's okay. Listen, before we start to my own horn. I was told I looked like I was in my 20s yesterday, so just saying Nice Rosa, you look like you're in your 30s, that's right, anyways All right, I didn't know.
Justin:You volunteered at the, at the what At the? What At the high school. I was going to say old folks, I know you were going to say that I was waiting for you to say it.
Lyanette:I was going to say it. Of course they would say I look 20. Oh my gosh, all right. So we had. I asked friends and people on social media to send questions, so we have quite a few. We have about 22 questions, so take your time answering them. Let's start. I'm going to start because there's no rhyme or reason. They're all very different questions, but we're going to start with an easy one. It's a silly one, but all women want to know does it really take you 45 minutes to go to the bathroom, and why? And this was brought to us by Angela.
Philip:So thank you, angela, for that riveting question I want to take with me to the bathroom.
Lyanette:Okay, you always take your.
Philip:Take my iPad. Yes, you do. Oh my, I'm going to go through my email. I'm going to go through my cowboy stuff, my sport stuff 45 minutes. Yeah, just chill.
Lyanette:Don't your legs get like numb shaky from sitting on the toilet for 45 minutes?
Philip:Well you, do it for longer than that.
Lyanette:Then you're good, some hemorrhoids, yeah, no, no, no hemorrhoids.
Philip:That's a whole different reason. It's been sitting for a long time, but for me it's for. It's just kind of, you know, time to chill.
Lyanette:Listen, if you guys don't feel comfortable answering every question, that's okay. Not everyone has, you don't have to answer all the questions.
Milky:Just remember one day that I was in the bathroom and I just I fell asleep.
Lyanette:Wait, is this a true story?
Milky:Oh, wait, we're being honest, right? Oh boy, it wasn't a false name. When I woke up, I had to learn how to walk again. Why did you really?
Justin:fall asleep on the toilet. I could see that happening.
Milky:Wait, were you drunk or was it just a dream? I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just.
Lyanette:I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just I was just, I was just.
Milky:I was just Wait. Were you drunk or were you sober? I get that it was really late.
Justin:It was late at night. It was late at night, it was like I get that, I get that, that's 100%.
Lyanette:You get it, justin, I didn't get that. You can relate to Moki. I can relate. Well, I don't know if I can relate, but I can get it.
Philip:I can get it sometimes. Oh my God.
Justin:Oh my God, so I have an honest answer. Okay, what?
Lyanette:is it?
Justin:One. It's a routine irregularity, right Every time, every morning. For me it's every morning, same time, same bad channel. I have my thing. I have to read the times, I read my news articles. I get caught up on the day. I look at what I have to do. I do a little bit of scrolling too. I get stuck on the algorithms of you know reels or tics, tiktoks or whatever, and then I also respond to all the missed guys chats you know my text, groups with my homies.
Lyanette:And it has to be on the toilet. It can't be like at the kitchen table. I think I think better when I'm honestly, I'm thinking more clear. No distractions, no children. Yeah, there's no distractions.
Justin:I mean, there's nobody there to bother you.
Lyanette:I hope there's nobody else oh that'd be great. Actually, let's follow up. Do you guys use the bathroom with the door open and like, let your no?
Justin:Okay, significant others see Watch Open lights off.
Lyanette:Why are you taking a crap?
Justin:Because it's in the morning, so it's in the morning, lights off, but the door open. Yeah, I don't like having the door closed.
Philip:Okay, oh yeah, definitely I'll lock the door.
Justin:Wait, who's coming in? I don't know they're gonna get you?
Philip:I don't know. I don't want anybody walking in Dang.
Lyanette:Yeah, listen, I'm a very fluid individual. Yeah, we don't keep the doors open, except if I'm peeing. I'll keep that open, because it's just pee, it's just a little water trickling down, right. Right, milky, when you get married, are you gonna leave the door open or are you gonna leave the door closed?
Milky:I don't know. I don't know yet, as of right now, I live by myself, so it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. There's no routine in that.
Lyanette:I wanted to start off with something silly, so I'm just gonna go down. Like I said, there's no rhyme or reason to the way I'm asking the questions. So Liz wanted to know for the married men, as far as the ups and downs in marriages, do you guys feel like there's cycles to the marriage ups and downs or do you think women are just crazy and they're the only ones with the cycles and they're the ones that determine whether it's up or down?
Philip:You want to honestly.
Lyanette:We all want the honest answer.
Justin:Okay, honest answer is the women.
Justin:I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.
Justin:It is a cycle of one day over the other.
Justin:But look, in my mind, I honestly think that it's a different set of hormones and the way that women's brains work, that it's very different from men, and so there are those cycles of the ups and downs. There's nothing wrong with it and that's, I think, maybe a stigma that sometimes gets put on is like oh, women are crazy, it's like no, they just think very differently and it's hard to relate as men, and so it sometimes does seem like a cycle of ups and downs, when it really isn't. If you understand them as they are biologically, I think there's some science behind why they think certain ways and why their brain functions. I don't know it enough and I'm not claiming to be smart enough to even figure that out, but I do appreciate and understand that that's not who they are. That's just where they are in their mind right now, and as long as you love them and you care for them and you continue to support them, then you work through that and you go on the ups and downs with them.
Philip:Yeah, I would say men are simple creatures, very we don't. We wouldn't have ups and downs and marriage with things. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't, because I think what women do is help us grow, help us tap into things that we wouldn't even think about because we are so simple. It's not complicated to figure out a man. And if it was up to us, I mean, if we're in a marriage for 10 years and we have, you know, 20 ups and downs cycles for a guy, we might have two. And that's about it, damn. And it's not based on anything complicated, it's very simple the two cycles are when you're born and then when you die, cycle ended.
Justin:It's good.
Philip:It's good. It's definitely ups and downs and cycles with marriage.
Lyanette:But you guys are placing it on the women because we are complicated creatures. No, I don't. Well, I'll say it. But Justin's like no.
Justin:Internally he's like yes, no, no, no, yes it may seem outwardly like we're placing that blame on women, but I think internally we're trying to reconcile the thought and trying to figure out where I went wrong or what I did, because in our minds we didn't do anything wrong. We're just being exactly what we're doing. It's simple, that's the problem, justin.
Justin:That's the problem, but that's what meant. That's why there's books written about. You know, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, or whatever it is. It's that difference, it's the. It's not right or wrong, no, it's just. It's just our way of doing it. Are you adult enough to handle it?
Lyanette:So it sounds like, since we're the ones that have brilliant minds as women, that's why we complicate things. I don't think we complicate things, we just see big picture. I think men see like narrow. They're like like have blinders on the sides. That's how I see it. So if we know that it is super important to pick the right partner that you can, because not every like going back to you guys, having dated a lot of women, obviously you didn't marry them, so they weren't. They weren't I don't want to say worthy, because I think as women we're all worthy, but like they weren't one. Yeah, For you to even want to go through these cycles with. Is that what you're saying?
Philip:Yeah, you wouldn't want to go. You're not going to go through those cycles with someone that you're not. You don't think that there's. That's the person. A guy will do whatever he needs to do if it's the right girl or right woman. If they're not, we're not going to do anything. It's not a bad thing or a right or wrong thing. We're simple. I actually think we see big picture and the women are really into the details of things. That's the way I look at it. That's a good one. That's okay. That's a good point. We see, you know we might be looking about or thinking about the year You're thinking about that minute you guys don't sweat the small stuff.
Philip:No, not at all. That's the beauty of a marriage, because you have to have someone that balances you out. God gave us gifts and we all don't have the same gifts, so it's great to marry someone that has a different gift than you. So now, together, y'all are a good union and that's what you want. You don't want someone that's just like you, in instance. That is good. To have someone that thinks about the things that you don't think about. That is more complicated, it's not as simple, and that way, together you handle life better. I mean marriage and I always say this is a commitment to grow together. So if we're growing together, then it's well worth it All the ups and downs. But as long as that trajectory is going up, not something that's always up and down and it's never over a period of time overall going up, that's a problem.
Lyanette:All right, Melky, I know you're not married, but I mean in any relationship you go through cycles. Have you experienced any of that?
Milky:Yeah, my experience there.
Justin:I was in doubt.
Lyanette:I was in doubt, and that's why you haven't married them.
Milky:That's it, that's it.
Lyanette:Because you've never been married and you don't have any children, correct?
Milky:Okay, he's a catch. We're trying to. What's your IG handle? I don't know what I did here.
Justin:What is it? What is it what?
Milky:is it Milk loves food? Wait milk. What Love food? Milk loves food.
Lyanette:Oh, that's so cute. Milk loves food. Okay, he's really cute and I want a good girl for him because I'm always telling him that I'm going to be the one tell him yeah or nay, because he's really easy.
Justin:He's a good catch. He's a good catch. He's a good catch. He's a good catch. He's a good catch. He's a good catch. He's a really good person.
Lyanette:All right. So Linda wants to know.
Philip:First of all, this has nothing to do with sex.
Lyanette:Okay, so intimacy yes, intimacy does not equal sex. Okay. So, um, for this question, for this question, we'll talk about sex later. So Linda wants to know how important is intimacy to you? If it is important, how do you like to give it and how do you like to receive it, and what does that mean? And it's not going to do with sex? Okay, and if it is sex, give it like she didn't want sex included. But if you guys want to include sex into it, let's do it.
Philip:So repeat the question again, intimacy.
Lyanette:What does it mean to you? How do you like to give it and receive it? Is it important we were looking about not talking about sex, but if you guys want to include sex, that's your answer.
Milky:She doesn't want to include sex, so I won't include sex. But I'll say this Um, every time I hear the word intimacy, I think about privacy and that is something that I see that it's. It's a privilege and people have it, but they don't, just don't value it, and I see that everybody who has a relationship they like to display it. I just feel like it's not value. But I think, definitely think it's very important. Intimacy in the sense of like, even if the relationships having some problems or going through like we just talked about ups and downs, and I think that's something that, um, it should be handled within the um, the couple, and sometimes I just see that that it just word gets out from one of the couples. They just break that intimacy and they just tell people or they post it on Instagram or there's always something. So I feel like it's definitely very, um, very important, not including sex or just talking about other things.
Justin:Intimacy for me, I would say, would be those rare moments in a married life where you get to just have that alone time where it's just you and the other person. Those are the. Those are the moments when I can consider the intimacy, those little playful things that you know I think to milky's point too the private, private moments where, like you, only you and her know about it and it's only you and her thing. It's like the kink right. It's not sex, but it's a kink right Cause it's only shared between you and her. And so those, to me, are the. They're intimacies, cause I can say uh, you know, there are moments that I share with my wife that are intimate and unsex related, that are just in very like I know when I can connect to her and I know when things are intimate where I actually connected with her and then for how I like to receive it. I'm a very I'm the uh, I always forget the love language, what it's, but I love, touch.
Justin:Yeah, like all I want is just for somebody to touch me.
Lyanette:You need a hug.
Justin:No no but I mean even it's like, like you know, you know, there's people who talk with their hands, there's people who are, like I, like the touch, like even, you know, I coach soccer and I would even consider, uh, the intimate relationship that a coach has with their players as intimacy, as a willingness to, to have a bond with them that's special, to guide them and help them grow. And so I, I, I touch my players, like in appropriate ways. Of course, I'm glad, you, I'm glad, you're glad, you're glad to have that.
Milky:Right.
Justin:Yeah, no, but I touched them and I let them know how good of a job they're doing. I like giving high fives. I like giving, you know, fist bump here, you know all that kind of thing. I like grabbing them Like that was amazing, showing the passion for the play that they have. You know that I love that's intimacy to me. That's what I think. When you break it down to its its core, it's just two humans connecting in a very, very real and honest way.
Philip:I love that, and I think, when it comes to like McCoy just mentioned, um privacy and like Justin just mentioned what, what does intimacy mean? To me? It's those private moments that you have with your. For me, my wife, when we have our one-on-one vacations, one-on-one time here in the basement no kids, no dogs we can just be silly, we can just be free. I know I can be mean, no matter what, and that's intimate. It could be just sitting on the deck with some coffee, reading together, not saying a word. That's intimacy. How do I like to give intimacy? I think sometimes it's just being heard, letting you know that you're being heard, or I've listened to you, bringing something to you that you haven't asked for. To me is intimacy, and it's so important. You gotta have that at one on one time with your significant other, because if you don't, when the intimacy goes to be honest, then the sex goes.
Justin:So for me it's very important, or the sex happens somewhere where it's not supposed to.
Philip:You're right about that.
Lyanette:Okay. So I'm sure there's some relationships that have all the sex but don't really have what you guys are describing as quote unquote intimacy. For us as women, we need the intimacy in order to have sex.
Philip:Right.
Lyanette:If you guys didn't have the intimacy, but you only had the sex, you're not going to go outside of your relationship for that.
Justin:No, that's not true.
Philip:No, I don't believe that I believe if you guys are asking. No.
Justin:I've seen some what I thought were very, very good people make very bad decisions In my lifetime, and my experience is what I've seen in many in men not many occasions, but on a few occasions that I witnessed I've seen really really good men who have very, very good relationships with their spouses or at least the way the perception of really really good relationships make really questionable decisions about other women and in some instances have gone into adultery and have done so and then asked me it's just, hey, don't mention this to the wife, kind of deal. And I'm like, bro, you can't put your burdens on me. It's like that's not how I wear. I'm a very honest man, but we don't know each other that well. So good luck to you and hope to never see you again.
Lyanette:Well, they didn't have a good marriage. If they're stepping, out.
Justin:That's the thing. There's no intimacy there. So you can almost draw the line between the lack of intimacy that that individual might have had with somebody, with their significant other, by making a you know having an affair or doing something. You know it really is there and because it's not there. But I don't know that side of the world because I have never crossed that line, but I have seen it happen multiple times.
Lyanette:But the thing is like are they having sex with their wives?
Justin:That's what I'm trying to get at Pretty sure, because there's kids that come right after us.
Milky:All the kids look like him.
Lyanette:So they had sex that one time that sex, that one time.
Philip:This is what they're having sex continuously.
Lyanette:So for me as a woman, I always think of men thinking that intimacy is sex. So like what?
Philip:you guys are describing as intimacy.
Lyanette:it sounds beautiful, but it looks like that Every woman wants all that fluff that you guys just said.
Milky:But you said to leave sex out of it. I know, but I'm just saying leads to that there is intimacy and sex. There has to be a certain fact. It's what? When we talk about intimacy, then if we're talking about the word in general, sex has to be into that.
Justin:Inside that category, I kind of feel like that question is it's not? They say it's not about sex, but it is for men it is.
Lyanette:I mean ultimately yeah, that's what it means.
Milky:Yeah.
Justin:What are those moments like what turns you on.
Philip:So that's the thing that you just talked about. You said well, you know, for women I have to have intimacy to have sex. Guys don't have to have intimacy to have sex, but they need intimacy to lead to more sex, because if it's not there, they will go elsewhere for it.
Justin:Intimate sex maybe, is what they're in search for. There's just sex, and then there's.
Milky:I say intimacy, I automatically go back to private. You know what I'm saying. So it's like if it's not intimate sex, what is it? Public sex, yeah.
Philip:I mean, these guys definitely can just have sex. I get that, but that's not something long.
Lyanette:We know, we know, we know.
Philip:But that doesn't mean that's just, that's not a relationship, that's just a booty call. So it's not something, someone that you are looking at long term. You know, this is my soul. Maybe this is the woman of Mary. This is just something to.
Lyanette:Milky? How many do you have on a regular? Oh, my goodness. Hey, so it was wrong about your booty call. That's not one of your questions.
Justin:No, it's not, I just Listen, you try to get it, it's intimate life.
Philip:Exactly that's right, that's right.
Lyanette:Listen the way I work with this podcast.
Philip:I do follow up questions to the question that says no, you don't have to answer.
Milky:Let me take my drink. There you go, there you go.
Lyanette:What else? Next question Okay. So when we're speaking of intimacy, obviously that's a very important part of a relationship. What else is a foundation for you that you would want for a relationship, especially for Milky, who's searching high and low for his person? What's the foundation?
Milky:Well, real quick, this is fast. If you want to get out of this, have this. But you're saying okay, so let's say an example how many booty calls I have current? That's an intimate question, right? So does it have?
Lyanette:to be intimate.
Milky:If I reveal, it's like I'm revealing, even though, if it's multiple, or if it's one, or if it's two, even though they're booty calls or whatever, it's still something I need to keep, something I need to not reveal, and that's a sense of intimacy, even though those girls are not wife materials, right.
Lyanette:No, get out of here with that.
Milky:Get out of here with that.
Lyanette:Oh, now he has integrity for these women that you don't want to marry. Get out of here with that.
Milky:But you have to.
Justin:You have to no, because if I know that, what's the matter? He's protecting them. No, it's all essential in my mind.
Milky:It's all essential, it's also protecting me too. Like, why would I? Yeah, yeah, yes, no?
Philip:Why wouldn't you say that Get out of here. That's all All right.
Lyanette:Next question See, he's being really sweet. He's protecting the booty calls. Even though they're not marriage material, we're still protecting them. That shows your heart, Milky.
Milky:I don't have any booty calls, by the way, but yeah. But if you did, you would have disclosed them. No, no, no, okay.
Lyanette:Foundation to a relationship. It could be. I have five things, but I think I have five things, but I know what the foundation is, but what do you guys think the foundation is? To a healthy relationship, healthy relationship.
Justin:Obviously it's going to be communication and trust. I mean that's a given, but it comes in different forms. It has to come without any need to say anything Like you just trust, oh it'll get done, or I trust that you'll keep me safe or you'll do this. It doesn't have to be communicated, it's just you know that you'll be there for me if you ever need anything Like that's the trust. Communication part is obviously the communication part. It's making sure that you're being very clear with things and you're actually having the conversations that you regularly need to have, whether it be about home, family, finance, everything that you have to deal with in the adult world. You have to have those conversations. And even if you want to make it a real connection, the intimate moments and where you're communicating, you know your wants and your needs in those intimate moments, those are the good foundation for growing, you know, in your relationship.
Milky:I'm still trying to figure that out. But one thing that I do not tolerate is just disrespect.
Philip:I just don't.
Milky:I don't tolerate that. That's a very broad word. For every guy that might be different, but that's one thing I don't tolerate. I'm still figuring out the other stuff.
Philip:So for me, as far as just writing these things down, for me it is trust 100 percent. Like Justin mentioned, it's the same thing what McQuaid has mentioned about respect, healthy communication, good sex. I think that's a foundation and someone has the same values.
Justin:Oh, that's a good one.
Philip:I got to have the same values, is that person? Yeah, and I went and I went back to thinking my sister, my youngest sister, carolyn, made me create a list for my soulmate, and I did this back in college. Damn, I think it was. Yeah, she made me back in 1988 1984.
Justin:When I was in college in 1979.
Lyanette:Make a list of my soulmate, and I will tell you to do that.
Philip:McQuaid, I wrote down a list of my soulmate and what are the what's the deal breakers? You know I listed who is my perfect soulmate and then I had to go back. Carolyn made me go back and write down, like star, what are the deal breakers for that soulmate and values was one of the main ones, because that person had to be, for me, a Christian. There's no way in the world that I could marry someone that's not a Christian. That was a deal breaker. You did, and that's why I'm not married to that person now Damn.
Lyanette:It ain't me, but you did.
Philip:And I did not look at my list when I did that. Where did the list go, you?
Justin:forgot. He has it. He's talking upstairs, it's in my bubble. You should take it out of that Bible. I do sometimes. I do.
Philip:Sometimes I take a look at it and Carolyn and I sit down in her apartment and wrote that list and those are the things I go back to you know it has to be.
Philip:I have to have trust after our respect. I have to have a healthy communication, good sex and same values. We got to have the same values because you can't, in my mind, have a foundation in the relationship if you don't have those things. Obviously, there's a lot of the things in there that you could put, but for me that's what it is. So what are yours, Leonette?
Lyanette:No, I'm not a part of the men's panel. I am not a man. I'm not a man but I concur with a lot. Of values are huge, so communication is huge. How you want to raise your children has to be similar. How you handle finances, religion, I don't care if people say, oh, we can all come together, goodbye.
Lyanette:I know that, like you have, to have similar ideas when it comes to religion, non-religion, whatever, when it comes to spirituality. So those are the main things. However, we're talking about truth. You said speaking truth and being honest, and you said the same thing. One of my biggest pet peeves in the whole wide world, if you ask me, is a liar. I hate not knowing the full truth, not knowing, like anytime anybody lies to me that it's a wrap. But why do men like to omit, quote, unquote I'm using quotes. Omit facts, omit the truth. For me, it's lying. Why do you guys do that?
Philip:Because men don't see it that way.
Lyanette:Well, how do you see it and this is coming from me and from my friend Shinee, who contributed to these questions why do you guys like to omit the truth and say that it's not lying? You talking about like gaslighting? No, it's like.
Philip:it's like you don't tell, you may not say everything like Philip and I have our biggest arguments throughout the marriage for filling, not saying everything, that's because they can't handle the truth.
Milky:That's it, and you know what?
Lyanette:That's what Philip said. He's like, well, because you would have been upset. Well, let me show you how upset I can really get.
Philip:Yeah, I have to learn. I have to learn. Let me tell you this. Okay, because we said we're going to be honest.
Lyanette:Yes, let's be honest.
Philip:So let's be honest. So the thing is, we want to avoid the fight, so we don't mention everything that takes place. That doesn't mean we lied about it. We just didn't tell everything that happened. So that's not a lie. We just didn't do everything.
Justin:We just don't want to deal with the ups and downs.
Philip:We don't want to deal with what you know, if you say this, that it's going to create a problem. So, if you just avoid this, then I don't. I don't have a problem. Now, that is the younger version of me, because you have to be honest and sometimes you just need to just you need to be transparent. That's what I've learned, because my younger version of myself was not transparent when it came to those things, but what it did later was create a bigger problem, because then at some point that's going to come out and then it's a bigger problem. Oh, you didn't say she was there, but she was there, but you didn't say it. Well, I didn't think it was important to say that she was there.
Lyanette:You described all the other details of the situation. He described every detail. I did, except for that one All.
Philip:I forgot. Okay, I forgot.
Lyanette:Okay.
Philip:But that's the truth. You don't want to have that fight.
Lyanette:But do you realize that as women we were born detectives?
Milky:The fights and we won't know not to fight. I was born in my back.
Lyanette:We were born detectives and we will always, always, always, always, always find the truth out. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will come. And that, to me, is worse of a reaction that you're going to get than just saying, hey, and I would be like, oh, okay, well, that sucks. No, like if you were honest, from the rip I'd be like, okay, that sucks.
Justin:I think you guys think that, didn't? You think that you like that way, but no, it doesn't ever happen that way.
Lyanette:I think this is what I think. Which wrath would you rather have, the fair or the asker?
Philip:I think you would not react that way at the very beginning. But the multiple times that you're transparent you'll lessen that reaction. But the other truth is no, that is a lie. You would react ugly at the very beginning and then later, as I continue to be transparent, you won't have as much of a reaction. That's what the real deal is. You're not like, oh, I'm gonna be okay, it's all right. No, that's a damn lie. You wouldn't be like that. You lying at me. You lying right now.
Milky:Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna be completely honest. All the experience that I had being completely transparent has gone wrong. Yes, thank you, and it hasn't been the way I communicated. It hasn't been that just the way I said it is. It's just been that I was just completely honest and it's gone wrong. So I've learned. Like what? What's an example? All right, I'll give you an example. This happened recently. I was talking to somebody and she she asked me if she asked me let me see how.
Milky:I get out. I was going to say she asked me, she asked me something and we're not going to say no, I'm gonna be completely honest.
Lyanette:No, that's not an example. If you don't give us what she said or what she asked, well, I told the truth.
Milky:I said this and this and that no no, no, no, no. What she say, no, what she say it's a weird situation and I don't even know what I'm trying to find like a similar example or something like that. Just spit it out, actually, you can spit out, nobody knows.
Justin:We don't know who it is. She don't know who it is. What does she say?
Lyanette:Nobody knows who this is. Hey, you need to listen to this podcast when I talk about you. Nobody knows who this is Nobody's gonna know.
Milky:Dang and I give my Instagram and everything in the beginning.
Lyanette:How we do it.
Milky:I'm a food following Come on.
Lyanette:You swore that you were gonna tell the truth, and nothing but the truth.
Milky:But I would just say this is that it never works. People, they just don't know how to take the truth and or but. And the right person does, the right person does. But even though, like there's always an excuse, there's always oh, you didn't, you should have said it this way, or it's always. But I said what I said, you wanted to hear that, and you still react in versus. If I just didn't say anything, everything would have been good.
Lyanette:No, I don't like that.
Milky:And I know, and I know you don't like that, but the reality is, the evidence is that people do not react very well with the truth, and that's why people like to get lied to, and that's why it's.
Lyanette:We like to get lied we like to get lied. That's why they like to get lied to.
Milky:No, sir, Listen, listen listen, because it's one thing of what people say. The other thing is the evidence. We have to deal with the evidence. People don't react very well with the truth and that's that's what it is. You know it's not right, but that's what it is.
Lyanette:No, I feel like men omit the truth because they feel guilty, period. You guys feel guilty about something and that's why you like. Well, let me keep this little bit in, because why the hell are we going to get upset about something? No, your situation is different, because maybe someone is asking you a question. I didn't ask him any questions. This mofo right here was.
Milky:Oh sorry, I love you, you're not a mofo, you're not a mofo, he's not a mofo everybody.
Lyanette:He's not a mofo, but at the time he was a mofo. He's volunteering all this. He volunteers this information. I'm like, oh yeah, that's great A few weeks later, I find out more details on like hold up, wait a minute, mr, acting like he was giving me all this like flowery information. And then why did you leave this little tidbit out? So that's, that's what I'm talking about.
Philip:So I think you're talking the generalizations for a while. You are so. When it comes to someone telling the truth, I agree with McQuaidis in the sense that they really don't want to hear the truth and they don't react well. However, you need to continue to tell them the truth and then you'll know what type of person that is, because initially, I don't care. If someone tells you the truth, you telling us the truth. We're not going to react well initially. The more times you tell us the truth, I think you give that person a chance to be their true selves and then, over a time, then, if they're the right person, then they will be okay with you telling them the truth and being transparent. But initially, no one. Most people because I'm that's the generalization most people don't take the truth well, because they really want you to tell them something that they wanna hear yeah.
Philip:Not what you really wanna tell them, Cause you've had. You said I've dated a lot of people. Yeah, you have. So you have people that tell you oh my goodness, I'm the one. No, you're not.
Lyanette:Then why you take me Mo Po what?
Philip:I enjoy your company for this moment.
Milky:Damn. That's a great answer.
Philip:Do you want me to tell you you don't want to lie to you? Well, why you in my bed?
Milky:Why you in my?
Philip:bed fellas. So don't ask that question, because the question you really don't want to answer. You want me to tell you something you wanna hear.
Milky:I got a perfect example there we go.
Lyanette:But I need you to give details of this example. Okay, I'll give you a good details.
Milky:I was in Florida recently. I have a friend who's in Florida. He said a friend. Oh yeah, I said a friend, and we have met each other a few times in the past, and whatever that means, right, yeah, and she always asked me this question hey, why do you like me? Hmm, if I say truly, why do I like her, would she like that answer? Or if I say, hey, I like you because of this or that, or is it?
Lyanette:right, well, why do you like her? I don't understand the question. So what should we melt in here? What I do is this so I use this trick.
Milky:I always use this trick, I always joke around with it. When everybody asks me that question. She's like, oh, I like you because of your money. And she's like I don't have no money. I'm like, oh, okay, and I just kind of leave the question up in the air. But really, though, but she's like I don't know. She's like I'm done bitch, why are you with me, why do you like me?
Philip:So it's like you don't want to hear it.
Milky:Do you really want to hear the answer? Why do I like, you Like, why am I with you? Or you don't want to hear that answer? You want to hear?
Lyanette:the other answer Are you with her because she's your booty call in Florida?
Milky:If I say the truth, what will her reaction be? We won't even be friends anymore. She won't be happy with it, exactly. So that's a little hard of a question because we generalize, but the reality is, oh she, I don't know, that's a single lie.
Justin:No, no listen.
Lyanette:Okay, let's all put ourselves back in a single life place. That's what I'm doing as a woman. I think she's asking that because she deep down knows that she's not the one for you. We want to feel special.
Milky:We don't want to feel like a fucking booty call Right, so I'll give her a special answer. I'll give her a special answer. No.
Lyanette:And so no, and so truth and trust is held together.
Milky:I can't believe. I'm talking about it. I'm not even speaking.
Lyanette:No, my thing is like right now, after 18 years, if Phillips speaks truth to me, we have built a trust over you, like I have learned to trust him. So his truth is not going to hurt me as much because I know it's coming from a place of love. But when I'm just dating you and you're like lying and omitting, truth.
Philip:Those are two different worlds, like, unfortunately, those are two different worlds.
Lyanette:You're just using her and she knows it and she just wants to tell herself you are.
Philip:You are, you're using her body.
Lyanette:And so because. But why would he speak the truth?
Justin:You know what? She may just have really good passes to Disney.
Lyanette:Like you never know, like when I've seen this dude, he likes Disney. And so why wouldn't you tell her the truth?
Milky:because you know the truth is not what she wants to hear. It's not what she wants to hear, so what are you asking?
Lyanette:Because you're lying to her thinking that she's like, you're treating her special, and that's the thing.
Milky:Even right now, this very moment, I'm telling the truth and the reaction that I'm getting is not like oh okay, I understand what's the truth, though In my mind her asking that question just seemed very insecure to me, it is, it is insecure.
Lyanette:It's a very insecure question and when you don't have trust in a man, you are insecure. But when you have the confidence, when you have the confidence like this man has.
Justin:He knows well enough. If he tells her the truth, she's just gonna bounce, she's just not gonna be in the picture anymore.
Lyanette:Well, let her bounce and get the bounce, get the bounce.
Milky:And again, like my example is just a, you guys are little snakes in the grass.
Lyanette:That's all I'm saying.
Milky:My example is a common example.
Lyanette:This is not the only. Oh, I know, oh, I know you're. It's a common example, it's very common, yeah.
Milky:So then again and you can build up on that why you ask a question and if I answer I'm just gonna hurt your feelings. So, me being a nice guy that I am, why would I hurt your feelings? But?
Lyanette:you're not.
Justin:She just wants to reaffirm in her mind that she's making that up. I don't know. I think you guys have it all.
Lyanette:The reason I have a very strong reaction is because I've been that girl. I've been that girl. I know I'm amazing, but not every man that has come through my world just thought I was amazing. So you get a little trigger because they in one way act like oh yes, but then on the other hand they're so question for you Stop wasting my effin' time. Question for you.
Philip:now it's a question for you, and let's go to the next question. It's a question for you. When you ask that question, don't you already know the answer?
Lyanette:Yes, we do deep down, but we don't want it to admit it. But yes, you're right, we do, we do. Yeah, okay, a lot of us know deep down, but we're at that age. If they're in their 20s, early 30s, we're dumb. Even some women in their 50s they're dumb.
Justin:You're getting played.
Lyanette:You know that you're getting played.
Philip:You're just trying to get confirmation that you're getting played.
Lyanette:We're hoping deep down that we're not getting played yeah but you know you are.
Philip:You know, you are.
Lyanette:Because we just want to feel love. Justin, you want love, I get it.
Milky:Background music.
Lyanette:All right, all right, all right. Next question this is from Dawn. With the changes climate shift from the last few years involving women's rights, for example, hashtag me too. Equal wage discussions, more women being the sole income providers, et cetera, et cetera how has this impacted men? How do you guys feel about that? Because I've heard you know, I listen to podcasts and radio and stuff and men feeling like they are pins and needles, like what do we say? Is that PC? Blah, blah, blah. How does that affect you guys?
Justin:For me it doesn't affect me. I understand the value that women bring to any place, like, whether it be the home, the office or anything like that. What sometimes, I guess, makes me a little like I was like all right, we want all these equal rights, but then we also want the men to do more and to do like. And there are still I think there's still a lot of men who don't live in that world of wanting to be that type of man. I think there's still a lot of men who like to hold on to the more traditional sense of what men are in a home or in an office and everything. And it's not because they're resistant to it, I think that it's just that they're not accustomed to it or not. In this they don't have the same fervor of change as the women want, like the women the women wanted. Now, ok, it's our time. You know, we did this march and everything. And the men are like great, we love you and we support you. Just give us some time. Right, there's going to be a generational shift. You're going to see this happen years from now and you're starting to see it even now in a lot of the Gen Zers and maybe the lower end of the millennials, where you're seeing a lot more men accepting of those equal rights and taking more ownership of what you would consider more traditional family, the family values of a woman's in place in the home or in an office or anything like that. So you're seeing that change already shifting. So you're going to see the older generations start to move a little bit more towards the center, but by that time they're going to be older, they're going to be in their rocking chairs and retired and all of that. And then you're going to see eventually that change happened over time.
Justin:But it's what I think sometimes we get wrapped up in and this also goes for Black Lives Matter movements, for Brown Lives Matter movements, for any kind of movement.
Justin:As much as we want things to change immediately and as passionate as we can be about it, it doesn't happen that way in this country, like we're still having shootings and people mass murdered on a very regular basis and we know how to change it, but it hasn't.
Justin:And it's the same thing with the traditional home, it's the same thing with the values of this country, and what's really struggles is there's not a real conversation that puts just people and understanding of just understanding other people. At the center of the conversation. It's I want this and I want this now, and each individual group is moving towards that, and it makes it very hard because there's so many voices in the room. So, through all of that, I think for women, I think it's finding the support and finding the individuals and especially the older generation maybe, who looks at it as like, eh, you know, they're a little bit more traditional, working on them to understand, you know that. Then accept some of this change for those who are resistant to it, and then figure out ways to communicate that in a very, you know, reasonable manner, that it's not this overburdening thing of well, I want this now.
Philip:So equal pay is different.
Justin:That should happen immediately, right? Of course that should be 100% and I hope that there's laws in that. I'm not as political as I once was, way back in the day, but I think there's plenty of opportunity for men to get on that board and it's also welcoming those individuals Like, hey, come be a part of this with me. I mean honestly, I think not that it's, anyway, self-serving at all, but I think just the fact that I'm here doing this podcast is I want to be a part of what that voice sounds like in the future, and if my daughters ever figure out how to podcast works which I do because they were trying to ask me today- I was like what's the?
Justin:name of that podcast again and I'm like nah, I was like I don't know what that means I love it.
Justin:But like eventually, like having those conversations and involving more men who are non-traditionally and you know, it's great to have cheerleaders but it's better to have enemies or to have resistors with conversations and then just have casual conversations, like I'll say this I live and am surrounded by and interact with a lot of racist people. I've been around a lot of racist people and I treat them the same way that I would treat a brother or a sister or anybody in my circle, because even though they may not essentially believe the same things that I believe in, I still need to treat them as a human, as terrible as that makes. I think God told me no, I have to love him or her in the same way that I love my children and in that way, over time you will see this change. It's just time. It's hard.
Philip:I have nothing to say. It's so hard Justin killed it.
Lyanette:He dropped the mic on that one. That's a mic drop, it's very hard. Yeah, that's good. I feel like you Is that it no.
Lyanette:I think sometimes, as a woman, we want to be seen, we want to be heard, and I've learned in being married to Phillip if you look at us, we do have traditional roles, like he is the breadwinner and I stay home. Yeah, I work, but not when I'm not bringing in all the money, but I handle the household. I'm the manager of our house. So, looking at us, it is traditional. However, like, I'm okay with that because with that he respects me as his partner and we do things as partners, we communicate, we look at the finances together.
Lyanette:So I think what women are looking at when they talk about, like the patriarch is they're looking at the man controlling everything and the woman being in the dark and not knowing anything. And I think it's gone to the extreme where it's like I want to be mis-independent Well, you can still be independent in this relationship. And so I'm conflicted sometimes because I am very, like, pro-woman. We're powerful, we're amazing. However, it's okay to like allow the man to lead in certain situations because, trust me, I have a mouth and I will lead what I want to lead, but having that man allow that when necessary. So it's for me finding the right partner and not getting stuck in the patriarch, because not every man that is the breadwinner, that is kind of the leader of their house. They're not always like these malicious men, if that makes sense.
Justin:I feel like we have like Sometimes we're painted as that though.
Lyanette:I know and that sucks. I feel like that sucks because-.
Justin:No, I don't think it sucks Like. Here's the-.
Lyanette:That good men like you guys are painted into that line.
Justin:Yeah, but that's the thing. It's not. You know real men won't take that personally.
Lyanette:Yes, right, real men will take that kind of reaction personally.
Justin:Real men will want to listen and be like no, there's a reason why they react that way. When women react that way, maybe it's something that's rooted in their history of how they grew up, or something like that. It could be something rooted way deeper than I'm even able to understand. But you have to let the women be heard at least. But when you're heard, you can't just be shouting out these things and hope that things change. It's when the conversation then becomes a lot more like it goes back down to the foundations of even relationships and marriages, and even when you're dating. It's. As long as you're communicating openly and honestly and you're actually sitting down and working out those kinks and being honest with yourself, like this conversation, a lot of things will come to light and a lot of that change happens that way. It's slow and it's progressive, but it happens. It can happen, but it does take an open mouth.
Lyanette:It does, and I'm hoping that with men more like you guys, that are more progressive, that you guys become like the majority.
Justin:I'm progressive in a lot of ways, but I'm very traditional and a lot more I know. But that's my point.
Lyanette:We can be traditional, but not in the old school, traditional way of when I say, oh, we're traditional, people think, oh well, phillip is controlling and he's like what he says goes. No, that's not how. That's not, I don't know. And how is it with dating? Because I feel like you come to our house milky and we talk about relationships. Sometimes I'm in there in that conversation and I don't know if it's come from you, but I've heard, like I said, a lot of podcasts and radio and stuff, how women today, like 30s and 20s, they wanna be independent and they wanna be like their own woman, but yet they want you to be quote unquote traditional when it suits them, when it benefits them.
Justin:Yeah.
Lyanette:But we can't have it both ways, like we have to kind of integrate it somehow.
Milky:So yeah, definitely. I feel like some both partner has to be comfortable with, and I think, the definition of the word cause when we talk about tradition, I mean look what you just said. I mean you guys are working perfectly and you're saying you know, I like that the woman have a voice and all that, but the way that I work with my partner is this way. So it's basically the way that people interpret it, cause as soon as I say traditional, it's like a box. Oh yeah, and I'm sure the walls go up Right.
Milky:The walls go up and, to be completely fair, when somebody say independent, I have a different perspective than I think. And but even as I was hearing you right now, I'm like, oh okay, well, that makes sense that she does as a voice and Philip gives her a chance to say what she has to say. And I've been here in this house and you control everything in here. So it's like, yeah, I do, yeah.
Lyanette:I do Say it again Milky.
Justin:Yeah, that's the part, hey, Milky. Hey, can we cut this out?
Lyanette:No, we just let him think that he controls it, Okay but it's fine for me.
Milky:There you go, yeah, but it's a great and it's a beautiful and you know, coming from the outside in, I mean, it's very stable, stable family and it's growing and I can see how the kids are learning or getting their driver's license and they're doing all that stuff, so it works. But I think that it's the definition, it's the agenda. It's like what is being said and then when you talk to that person, you automatically thinking about what is being said instead of saying well, asking questions.
Milky:I always tell them yeah, tell me more. What does this mean to you? When you think about traditional, when you think about masculine? God wants us to be masculine, but what is the biblical term of masculinity versus the world's term of masculinity? So, just asking those questions to see where that person's coming from, because they might think exactly how I think, but they just when we mentioned the word, they just define it differently.
Lyanette:Yeah, well, piggybacking on that, Corey asked how important is to be the breadwinner. And would you feel less of a man if she was the breadwinner?
Milky:That's too funny. Let's shout out to Corey.
Lyanette:And Corey is a man and he provided a lot of questions coming from him. Thank Corey.
Philip:So thank you, corey. I appreciate that this is funny because in dental school, majority of our class I said probably about 80% of our class were women. Well, and when they were and that's now the dynamic in the geographic breakdown in dentistry majority of people graduating from dental school are women. So that's 60 to 80% of graduates are women. So now, being a dentist, you're marrying a man and you are the sole breadwinner. You make more money than your husband and that was a huge issue with a lot of our classmates Because the man is used to being the breadwinner, the man is used to being the one that makes most of the money and they have to marry or date a person that is can accept that and, to be honest, that's a huge paradigm shift for the woman to be the breadwinner. So for a man to be mature enough to handle that means a lot and that is difficult. I mean, to be honest, I've never had to experience that.
Lyanette:Not yet. Not yet, but when Varago 24-7 blows up.
Philip:Oh, to be transparent.
Philip:No, you're ex-wife I did lie about that because my ex-wife was a specialist, so she made more money than me. I was okay with that. It didn't matter to me because it's a win-win. They make more money, I make more money, we can do more things, we have more access. I didn't have that issue because I had a strong mother figure who handled her, so she was not the breadwinner. But you didn't know, she wasn't the breadwinner in our household because she handled all the decisions. Now, when it came to big decisions, yes, daddy made those decisions. However, she manifest strong women in our family. My sisters are strong. It was something that I just knew was okay. I didn't think anything crazy about that. So, having someone that made more money than me in my first marriage, I had no ego about it, I had no issues about it and it was fine. So that wasn't an issue. But the reality is, I think most men would have a problem with that.
Lyanette:Do they have little pee-pees?
Philip:No, so they need their bank accounts to be, very big no, let them know.
Milky:I would say that maybe this is maybe. Maybe they feel like the apartment will not treat them the same just because they're not getting enough money. So that will probably trigger the insecurity if there is any or maybe it does happen and that's where that feeling comes in. So it maybe has a lot to do with the other person's reaction, but that's maybe, or maybe they have a little pee-pee, maybe. All right.
Philip:So, justin, what do you think? So I?
Justin:actually, I'd love to know the root of that question, because is it money that are we talking about? Money, is it, equates to power? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Justin:That's kind of like where I was thinking which I think is a premise is we're thinking about it in the wrong way. Power in a household, or power in a family, can come in many forms, attying it to money. I'd be interested in knowing why it's tied to money, because if you look at it and you break down like a natural family, a traditional, we'll use you guys as an example. You called yourself the manager of the house, the manager of the home, right? There's a lot of work that goes into that. It's unpaid. If you were to calculate that time and that effort that you spend, you might get close, even maybe even pass that by If you're looking and you're breaking it down that way, right? So if it's really the question is less about, it's about does money, the amount of money that you provide for the family, is that important on who holds the decisions in the household, if that's kind of how I'm interpreting that question.
Lyanette:I think some men, because in my answer to.
Justin:That would be regardless of who makes more money, the decisions in the household typically fall on the man to make, and that's traditional, even nontraditional, in a lot of homes, at least I know. I would like to know in the homes where that is flipped or reversed, where the woman is the one who's making all of those decisions, and I will raise my hand and you're raising your hand.
Lyanette:Yeah, which I?
Justin:think that's the more interesting question here, because it's really trying to understand that dynamic, as opposed to asking the men like three men, because I think it's a deeper question.
Lyanette:I think what happens is I think there's some men that are very they need to go to therapy and so that's why they could not be with someone that, no, it's true they have. Their value is on providing. That's how they see their value Most men are. Yeah, I think with Phillip listen, he, like I, make a ton of decisions, even financial decisions, the big stuff we come together. But there's some things that I'm like, oh, I'll persuade him and if it's not a big deal to him, he goes along with what I'm saying. But the moment he's like, yeah, no, we're not doing that, then I respect that and I think it's because I do have a lot of I don't want to say control, but I do have a lot of decision power making, whatever you want to call it in the, in the relationship. So when he says no, I don't take offense to it because I'm like I get like 90% of my way.
Lyanette:So this little 10% is and when he's putting his foot down, and I think it goes back to trusting that your partner has the best interest of the family. So, as women, we can't be trifling. We got to be like. You know what I'm saying. We can't be trifling. We have to see that the man is working very hard, bringing in the income providing this house. And, yes, I'm working just as hard. Like you said, I'm not getting paid for it, maybe in other ways, but Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Milky:Okay, not commercial Good, commercial Good commercial Good commercial.
Lyanette:No, but I just wish that most men can just put their egos down. If they can just lay it down just for a second, the woman could feel more empowered and more trusting of your leadership. Like, if you don't trust someone's leadership, then there's always going to be friction and I don't know Well.
Justin:I guess the follow up question to that would be like why did you marry that man? Like if it wasn't, if? I married the broke man then anything that he worked for that's just ours. Yeah, but if I married the rich man, why did you marry the rich man?
Lyanette:Yeah.
Philip:Because you're already setting yourself up for that dynamic at the very start and if that relationship is based upon that, then guess what?
Justin:That's what you're going to live.
Philip:If you're going to try to change that, that's not going to happen.
Justin:It's going back to my answer to the previous question, that's just going to take a whole lot of time and he's got to be willing to listen, and if he's not listening at the very beginning, he's not going to listen to five, 10, 15, 20 years down the road. That's just not how that works. So in that kind of environment. But those are decisions that were made a very long time ago, depending on how long it was.
Lyanette:Well, philip, okay, so when you were broke, when I married you, you were at the level where you are now, but you weren't broke. And so what allowed like? What was it? What had to happen to get to where we are today? Because I was a young 20-something year old with like no clue and no money and so and definitely no money.
Milky:And definitely no money.
Lyanette:And I didn't marry you for your money, by the way.
Philip:I know that. Come on totally, man, so you know what.
Milky:You know what you want to marry me. I can be a neighbor.
Lyanette:Stay from me, son. Okay, stay from me, brother, give me some money and you work for stuff.
Philip:I did, I did, I did. So you know what it was. It was two things, two foes. Again, it goes back to my mother. She was a strong, strong woman who handled our household. Every man still goes back to their mother. When it comes to who you want to marry, I don't care how you want to look at it, how you fool yourself. You want someone that's similar to that person. So you want a strong woman, and for me, yes. Initially I paid all the bills and all the finances, and when you came to me and said you know what? I can take care of this for you, I was so happy.
Lyanette:Well, it didn't happen like that I cried like a little baby. I was like, oh my gosh, I got to be dependent on you.
Milky:This is not the way I envisioned my baby. He's so sweet, he's like you came to me.
Lyanette:No, I was like I was mortified, not mortified. I was so upset that, oh my gosh, I never wanted to be dependent on a man and here I am having a baby, my second baby depending on a man, and it was horrible feeling. It was horrible feeling.
Philip:But I was so happy to not have to deal with paying all the bills, taking care of everything.
Lyanette:I mean, you're still paying the bills. I'm just making sure they go to the right, yeah, but I didn't have to pay the bills.
Philip:Yeah, you know, I was doing all of that initially when we married. So when you came to me and was like, hey, I can do this, I was so happy that was one less thing off my plate. And I trusted you that you can handle the finances. So I was happy to give that to you and I never questioned it, because now it would be different if we were like missing bills and we're paying certain things.
Lyanette:How do you know that didn't happen?
Milky:I don't have an offshore account. You guys messed that up. You guys are going so loud, right? Yeah, we're doing it.
Philip:So when I saw that man she's taking care of it, she's handling it, I was so happy that you were going to take care of it. First of all, that you wanted to take care of it, and in our household that I grew up in, daddy took care of everything. Mom didn't pay anything. I mean there was certain things she paid. She took care of it. She'd take care of the telephone, because she was always on the phone. She made sure that was on right.
Philip:But she bought her furs and she went out and shopped and she was a school teacher.
Justin:School teachers don't make money, they don't.
Philip:But she ran the household and I saw daddy, who was the breadwinner, still let mama make all those decisions. So that was my perspective. So that was different, that was unique. I can't say that that's the majority and that's what most men think, but that's what I grew up thinking. And then when you stepped up and said, hey, I'm going to take care of it, then I was okay with that. And then you showed that you could take care of it and then I checked out yeah, you did.
Philip:You don't know where the bodies are buried, or nothing I have no clue what you do with the money and how you build the bills and all those things, and I'm okay with that because you know what I don't know.
Philip:I don't know any of those things, which is so crazy because in my men's group at church it's the opposite. All of them do it. Yeah, the women in our men's group have no clue about the finances that's going on in the house. If the men would pass away, the women would have no clue how to handle finances and bills, and the majority I can't do a generalization but the majority, so it's the opposite. I checked out because you know what? Again, we are simple creatures. If there's one less thing that I have to deal with and I have to concern myself with, I'm happy about. I have enough to do with when it comes to work and other things, and if you're going to take that off my plate, I'd be crazy enough to be okay with it.
Philip:That's so trusting, phillip, so trusting, but you have to show that you can handle it, because if you couldn't handle it, obviously I would step in, but that's not the case. So yeah, I have no issues with that.
Lyanette:These are intense questions. Okay, so we were talking about me managing the household and I just recently did a podcast on mental load. Do you guys know what mental load is? Yeah, 100%?
Justin:And if you do, what does it mean?
Lyanette:to you. Yeah, Phillip doesn't know. That's why I did a whole podcast on it, justin, so please educate the men on what mental load is and how can you help?
Justin:Okay, so the way I understand it on mental load is all well. One women were built specifically for mental load because they are multitaskers.
Lyanette:Okay, this is something that. I've learned over my time Wait were we built for it or does it default on us? And so we just got to look at the guy.
Justin:I have yet to meet a woman who's unable to multitask in my day.
Lyanette:If you need one best introduce me to her, because I would love to meet this unicorn. Okay.
Justin:Men are very simple. It's just one track in mind, one thing at a time. Go from here, go from there. We're very linear. What mental, what was it?
Justin:Mental, mental load, mental load, what the mental load is being inundated with everything that is there responsible as women and its households, its man, household managers. And the bird is that it comes with having to manage every little thing. What time is my kids appointment? What time is their dentist appointment? What do I have this week? I have to cook dinner. I have to do this. I'm grading papers. You know my wife's a teacher. I am. Every single day.
Justin:I'm constantly reminded about this mental load. Now, on my end, it's all about the simplification. I look at it as a logistical sense of how can I make everything work smarter and not harder to relieve some of that mental load. But if I make those suggestions, you have to adhere to them because it's a system right. Look some of our greatest inventors in time Steve Jobs, who was that dude from Amazon? Bezos go through, read all of the great people that are out there. There's a reason why Steve Jobs wore black turtlenecks and jeans his entire life, because that was one less decision he had to make. Again, when it comes down to it, mental load is just the ability to make decisions and, just like that unicorn, the women that I have in my life, that I've come across they have the hardest time making decisions.
Lyanette:Go ahead, go ahead. I was joking Go ahead, go ahead.
Justin:And because of that, it ends up putting more of a mental load on things, whereas men, you just try to make a decision and move on. Oh Justin, good or bad, good or bad, good or bad. Make a decision and move on, justin.
Lyanette:No, there are many of men where hey, where's this? Oh, what's this? Oh, what time? Oh, you go to the grocery store. Wait, what do we want? Okay, you have the same children. They have been around the same amount of time in my life that they've been around in your life, except you have stepchildren. But why are you calling me to ask me what they're going to eat? You should know what they're eating. You should know what they like. Like, I understand what you're saying. Yes, women.
Justin:Make me a list.
Lyanette:That's part of the mental load Justin Making. The list is one more thing on the mental load. Thank you, Listen just because what's so hard about making a list? Get out of here. What is so hard about making a list?
Milky:That's so hard about making a list. You make the list.
Justin:Justin, look, look, look, you make the list, you make the list, justin, I'll make the list. I will sit here and you tell me what the list is.
Lyanette:That's part of the list. Okay, so you don't really clearly understand what mental load is. That's part of it. No, why? It's like you're like the child.
Philip:No.
Justin:What I have to tell you what to do next.
Milky:No, now put on your sock, now put on your shoe, now tie your shoe.
Justin:Now put on your jacket Now like no, that's part of the mental load, justin, it is the teach a man to fish.
Lyanette:Get out of here. You make one list one time. I'm not trying to teach you. I'm not trying to teach you to fish.
Milky:There's no biology, even now.
Philip:Your girl man. Man, you make it one time no.
Justin:And then you know what the list is. Do I have access to my wife's Kroger account for her pickup orders?
Milky:No, Do I see what she buys every week. Yes, it's everything that I don't need.
Justin:It's everything that the kids eat, so the kids are taking care of.
Milky:But I got no steaks.
Justin:I got no meat. There's no red meat. There's no chicken wings, nothing that's good in there.
Lyanette:I think. No, this is the thing. I think you guys are missing the point. You painted it beautifully, but then you, like you, took your truck and crashed over the whole idea of what you just presented, because that is part of it. It's like I'm already managing all this shit. Okay, I already have this shit, already have in decisions. Like you said, I'm indecisive, okay.
Milky:A lot of us are.
Lyanette:And then you're going to come to me asking me what to put on the fucking grocery list. And here's what I don't give a shit.
Lyanette:I'm feeling like I said I don't. I literally tell him I don't want to. I am not in the mood to think right now. I need you to buy what you need for yourself. It's very sweet, it's very sweet. He calls. He's like what do you need? What do the kids need? At this moment, Right, this second, my brain does not want to think. I don't know what we have. I don't know we don't have. So you just focus on yourself. You buy your stuff.
Justin:Okay, Good Look. I wish you didn't have to call me to tell me what I need.
Lyanette:You should already know what I need, what you need. When I go to the store, do I call you and ask you what?
Milky:you need.
Lyanette:No, because I know that you need the strawberries and I know you want the blueberries and I know you what kind of yogurt you like, and I know what kind of milk you don't drink or don't drink. I don't have to call you to ask you what we need, because I already know Okay.
Philip:All right, I'm a milk.
Justin:I'm a milk.
Milky:So I'm so good to like hear this perspective because, like I've never considered it Seriously, I understand. Now listen, I'm sending you up for success for your future marriage.
Lyanette:Thank you, thank you.
Justin:I understand this, but I'm open your eyes again too.
Milky:Okay, Justin, come on out for one for one.
Justin:I love. I love that you know, especially in my household, my wife does all the grocery shopping. She does all the grocery shopping for the kids and for herself and for herself. I get nothing.
Lyanette:It's okay. But that's okay, I don't mind. Did you know what you like, justin?
Justin:I don't think she does.
Lyanette:Sorry, thanks, karen. Literally she will.
Justin:FaceTime me and it's in the meat section and be like which one do you want?
Lyanette:Oh wow, which steak do you want? Maybe you're just particular, justin, I know, but I am very particular. Maybe that's why she can't hold the trigger.
Justin:All right, but here's the other, but the same, the same mental load that women have, and I understand there's a lot that they have to deal with because they are multitaskers. For me, in my household and for my experience, mental load is different because I work in the creative industry. So my mind during the day is always at work, so it's always functioning and trying to figure out, whether it be creative or logistics or scripts or or anything that's that's, that's a focus of my job. It is my mind. It's not a task, it's my mind that's at work. So the same thing of like digging a ditch and you know, on the side of a highway, that same physical assertion that those men go through I'm having to do instead with my mind. So at the end of the day, when I'm clocking out for work, all I want to do is just sit on a couch with a glass of bourbon and watch the game or watch TV and just zone out and nobody bothered me. That's my mental unload, right, but that is soon as.
Justin:I laid down and put the blanket on. There's there, she is right there I was like yeah, that'll happen later. Right now, I just needed like just everything out, I just need to relax.
Lyanette:Well, you think women don't want to just sit and relax? You can sit and relax. Look we're adults.
Justin:You can sit and relax and do anything you want at any time.
Lyanette:That's what the joy about being an adult is. When you're kids, you always like.
Justin:I wish I could just do whatever I want, and then you get to when you do whatever you want, and then you find out you can't Right, yeah, but here's the thing you can.
Milky:Yes, you know, but your house is going to be messy You're, you know things are going to be just organized. I don't like it messy because I can't sit and relax, but a guy can.
Lyanette:But you guys are nasty, that's why Exactly Nasty.
Justin:We can sit. No, we're not nasty.
Lyanette:There you are, no we'll just hire a maid to come do it.
Philip:Where's our maid? I don't know where our maid is. We can fire her, she's slipping.
Justin:No, I could go on top.
Lyanette:No, no, no, no here, look, that's a prime example.
Justin:Here's a prime example. Okay, and I'm okay to share this. Share it, okay.
Justin:So very, very recent, we used to have maid service and then and then it I thought they were overcharging us so I stopped, but the house started to just pile up, pile up, pile up Everything, like just you would notice things and I'm just like this this is not the way you want to live. My wife's an educator and she's now in grad school, so it's like you work during the day and you come home and you work even more, and then on the weekends, as a teacher, you still work, but then you work even more because you have to do grad school work, plus the kids, plus everything else, plus, you know it piles up. It's a lot and I understand that there's a lot of mental load that goes into there and there's breaking points to that. One of the things that always gets left behind is the home just clean. What I have found and what I have learned through research and through studies and through podcasts is when you come home to a messy house or you come home to clutter, it automatically puts you in a state of anxious. I experienced it on a very regular basis. There's a lot of people who experienced this on a regular basis and if you were listening at home, experience this on a regular basis.
Justin:Do me a favor, try it. Just get a maid for like for a month. It's like maybe you know anywhere ranging, depending on the size of your home, from $125, which is to 200, 250, depending on how big your house is. But if you do it just one time a month, it will allow you to unload and come home to a clean house, and especially when they've just been there for that first week or weekend, where you come home, where it's not something you even had to think about and you just feel more relaxed, like you can. You get re-energized by that and it's very important. That's a little thing, right? So learn from that little investment. You're investing money into this one act and you're you know you're providing this relief, right?
Justin:So if you take that same act and you look at other little ways that you can do it streamlining, you know the way that your kids come home. So when my kids come home, you have to have a routine. All right, they're always coming home hungry, so you know, all right, let's get the snacks out. Let's make sure that there's a system, all right, what do they like when they come home? Let's have that ready for them when they come home. Or when they come home. Don't want to come home and just clutter up the house? All right, let's put some hooks on the wall, let's start building. And then, when you come home, backpacks go here, homework comes out, here's your desk, here's your thing, here's where you need to go and get your work done, put things into routines and it's one less thing you have to think about.
Lyanette:What is doing the hook thing at the woman or the man?
Justin:Whoever you are, okay, also you are.
Milky:It's just mental. No, you see why this is very.
Lyanette:You see why I'm passionate about the mental.
Milky:It's just that I'm doing it yeah.
Lyanette:But yeah, no, no those little things.
Justin:So, but it takes, it takes, it takes time it takes effort it takes individuals to do those actions on their own and sometimes for me, and especially a lot of men that I know, there's a motivation factor, right. So there's a lack of that motivation because you never get up for your ass to actually go and do something like that.
Justin:But you know that it can be done, but you just never go and do it, because it's one thing out of there, and then for me, that's what that's. What I run into on a constant basis is the lack of motivation, because I'm so like exhausted either at the end of the day or something that I just I just don't want to think about things like that.
Lyanette:Those are simple. I think we all do, but it still has to get done, and I think, as women were. For example, if someone walks into your home like if my mother comes to visit, is she going to be like, oh well, Philip didn't clean. And look at this. No, they're going to blame the woman for their house looking a certain kind of way, or their kids acting a certain kind of way. The man is never blamed for anything out of the North. It's the woman, yeah.
Milky:I understand that that's just to be fair, let's add your culture, let's add which we have to see culture and culture is hardcore, milky Right, but let's have a hard core when it comes to like that. Yeah, that's just a possibility. It does, it does. But if your mom comes in and she turns on the light and it doesn't come on, and or she goes to the fridge and there's nothing in there, she's gonna say it's Philip working.
Lyanette:No, that's true.
Milky:That's true.
Justin:What's he even doing out there? Is he buying you guys food?
Milky:Is he feeding you? That's true. He's watching TV. You know what's going on. He's eating. What's going on? This?
Philip:boy's just getting fat and doing nothing. What's this like? Hold on, hold on.
Lyanette:And maybe turn around on the wall and be like, are you giving him sex, are you giving intimacy? Like, why is he slacking? Yeah, let's do this. No, no, no, no, no, but no, that's to me that's a big thing. But this is what I've learned, because we have argued many times, philip, over household chores. But now, on year 18 of being married, you have always said I just need you to talk to me, I need you to express. So now I, yes, I have a mental load, but I try not to get super anxious If I have a whole list and I know that men are very simple and they can just boom, boom, boom.
Philip:I'm like hey.
Lyanette:Philip, this is what's on my mental load. I literally will call him up or text him if he's not around me and he's like that's not important. This and this and this and this and this, and I'm like I love that. I'm like, okay, I feel better now. Yeah, no, that's good, I'll take care of this and don't worry about this. I'll do this and this and this. That's good and it sucks as a woman that you have to do that, but we have to. Don't think that it's no, but don't think that it's you that's doing it because you just even coming together you're doing and making those scissors
Milky:together, it's come a long way, justin, no, no, it has to come along. It has to come along.
Justin:Again back to the point. It does take time, just like in a marriage and a relationship and anybody that you meet that's new. It takes time to figure out what you're, what the five is on how you think. I mean 17 years, and it wasn't until you know me being married until like maybe 17, 18 years, where I was like, oh, I think we regularly need to have this home cleaned by somebody else not us because it's a birdie thing, Like I started paying once, I you know once.
Philip:I started making pretty good money.
Justin:I was like I'm not cutting the grass anymore.
Philip:Yeah, you know, until my son turned, you know, a certain age.
Justin:then he's going to cut the grass just like I did those kinds of little things, at least coming together and having that conversation. Actually, I've even heard it on a lot of podcasts where maybe, if that is something that you feel as women, that the mental load is just something you're always coming you know you're having to overcome maybe schedule a weekly mental load on load Right. Maybe it's us getting together husband, wise partners, relationships or whomever sitting down and be like hey look, here's the week of head, here's what my mental load has. It's going to be like this week, here's what we got going on. Can we share some of these this load? Can you? Can you do the groceries this week? I'm just so exhausted. How many times have you been like you know what I'm tired. I don't want to go do the grocery shopping. Phil, can you just please go do the grocery shopping this weekend?
Lyanette:Yeah, I've done that. You've done that. Yeah, there's a lot of women who haven't, and I know, my wife would never let me go grocery shopping.
Milky:Yeah, I totally would, she knows, I will fuck up that grocery list, because I didn't have a list.
Lyanette:But my thing is like what are you brought to me? What's up here? But the thing is like what is fucking it up?
Justin:Like oh because.
Lyanette:I don't get the right brand, I don't get the right.
Justin:I don't get the right thing.
Lyanette:I've got to yield that for getting. I've let go of that kind of stuff.
Justin:I've got private selection instead of like you know, we've gone past that.
Philip:My thing is, if I'm going to get it, then this is what you're going to get. But we've gone past that and I agree, because I'm not going to be a moderator, I'm not going to.
Lyanette:I've heard that a lot of times in my lifetime.
Philip:Yeah.
Lyanette:I can't read your mind.
Philip:But you can read my mind when you want something.
Philip:So I get that, but I'm not going to be a mind reader 100% of the time, so you need to actually verbally communicate to me as an adult and say, hey, this is what I need, this is what I want, and you know what, I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it. I may not take care of it the way that you would take care of it, but I'm going to take care of it and it's going to be okay. But that's where we have gotten to. When it comes to this is what we're going to do. This is how we're going to handle this situation because, like you said, she'll call me. She'll say, hey, I have this, this, this, this on my list, this and this and this is not important, but this and this is, handle this. And then, what do you need from me? I need you to do this and you do this. Perfect, hey, I need you to go take care in, to go skating on Saturday. All right, I got it. What do you have on your plans? I have nothing. Take care of that.
Philip:One last thing on your middle load, but it comes back to healthy communication, because what most people do is assume and they'll assume good intentions and they assume oh, you should read my mind. You should know what I want. You should know what. But have you verbalized what you want? No, but you should have read my mind and did it anyway. That's not reality. That's a made up man made sense of a relationship. That's what you see on TV, that's what you see on these romantic comedies and movies, and that's not real. So we have to actually like communicate with each other and tell each other what we need and want.
Milky:Now, that person is not fulfilling that when you tell them that that's a whole, nother story, that's another podcast.
Philip:But when we do say that, then and we actually step up and take care of it and we don't take care of it at the 10 that you do, it's okay. We least stepped up and did something and let us do it multiple times. Just like we said, when we tell you the truth and we're authentic when we tell you that and we're transparent, and every time you get it and you're okay with it, it's the same way when we step up and do something. That's not the way that you want it done and we do it. You know what, over time, we'll get to that point where it may not be a 10, it may not be a five, it may be a six or an eight, and that's so much better than it was at the beginning. So, yes, let us do that and then we'll eventually get to that point. It works both ways, in both transparency and helping your mental load.
Lyanette:Yeah, Women have to let go of expectations. That's what I had to do, because, yes, I'm going to do it my way. And then I think women get caught up and it's like, well, he didn't do it my way, so I might as well just do it and think, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I literally had to let go of that when the kids were babies. It's like, okay, well, they're still in there, still, onesy, and it's sped up. I would have changed them by now. But here I come home and they're in that nasty house onesy, they're having fun.
Lyanette:But they're having fun and I'm like, okay, the baby's alive, they've been fed, the diapers been changed, Okay, so they have a nasty house onesy on. It's an anxiety-inducing thing that we have as women. I'm sure there's men out there that have that that I had to literally let go of. I'm like, do I want a happy marriage or do I want to fight all the effin time over stupid shit like this, Because my expectations aren't being met? And it's exhausting when you think about it. It's very exhausting. So I had to kind of put my stuff in check. But also he had to step up so that I'm like, okay, I'm trusting him when I bring this to him, that he's going to actually do something.
Lyanette:And not just be like well, that's your job and you figure that shit out, you know, because then that's deflating and I'm sure there's men out there that probably respond that way and that, like you said, that's another podcast for another time and some extensive therapy.
Philip:So we will get to that later.
Lyanette:So, listen, we have a ton to talk about so many other questions, but we've been talking forever and ever, so we're going to do this again. Yes, do you guys agree?
Milky:Yeah, I agree.
Lyanette:Can we end on one silly, silly ask question?
Justin:Yeah, let's do it.
Lyanette:But all the women want to know. All the women want to know why can't you ever find the catch up in the fridge when we tell you exactly where that shit is? Why, felipe, why.
Justin:All right, this is a great way to end this Justin.
Lyanette:well, you wear glasses, so that makes sense.
Justin:This is a great way to end this. Thank you, justin, please, please, please educate us, Justin, Because we want you to bring it to us oh dang you have to be that honest, bro, mic drop and we're done.
Lyanette:Is that why or because you're blind?
Justin:That's exactly right, because you're up and I need the catch up.
Milky:I just want to say as a you know, it's first time in this podcast. It's very educational. I'm just grateful. I want to come back. I want to just kind of hear more of these questions and just learn more.
Lyanette:really, Thank you, Milky, because there's more and I'm going to have you talking on some of these.
Milky:All right, let's go.
Lyanette:All right, so we're going to come back. We're going to have part two, three, four, five, six, seven, because there's a lot of questions left over. All right, I appreciate you guys. I thank you for being honest. We're going to dig deeper, because we want to know about some cheating and all that stuff for next time.
Philip:Wow, that's a good question, that's a good question. Why, why?
Justin:This is something you've never cheated in my whole life. Oh, okay.
Lyanette:I thank you guys. Go to Cigar Bar now. Yes, I do have fun. I appreciate you. I'm going to go watch my HGTV. Bye guys, bye, bye. Thank you so much for listening to Virago 24-7. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram, at Virago 24 underscore seven, and on Facebook, at Virago 24 slash seven. And just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you.
