Virago 24/7

Unpacking the Mental Load

• Lyanette Talley • Episode 78

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Wondering why you're constantly drained, even when your day's tasks seem manageable? Welcome to the realm of the 'Mental Load' - an invisible but often overwhelming burden that falls on women's shoulders. I'm your host, Lyanette Talley, and this week on Virago 24-7, we're peeling back the layers on this cognitive effort that pervades every aspect of our lives - from work and relationships to household management.

Let's unpack this together - sharing experiences, victories, and strategies. Discover how to lighten your mental load with practical tips from delegating tasks to family members, to writing down to-do lists, to making vital time for self-care. Challenge the gender stereotypes that foster this load, learn how to seek help when needed, and ultimately find a way to navigate this journey feeling less alone. Join us for an enlightening discussion that could change your perspective on what it means to be a woman juggling life's many tasks.

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley


Speaker 1:

Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors. Hey, everyone, what's up? What's up, Lyanette here? I hope everyone's doing well. I'm doing great, living life one day at a time, I'm sure, like you all are doing.

Speaker 1:

Just celebrated 18 years this past weekend, on the 24th 18 years with my love. So we went away to Charleston, one of our favorite cities, and just kind of hung out and relaxed and kind of wrote down my to-do list and tried to take whatever was on my mind and put it on paper. That way I didn't have to worry about it. I can worry about it later, so that was nice. And then get back home and then all that to-do list and all the things just start flooding into the brain and I asked myself why? Why does this happen? You go on vacation and you're just so relaxed and you can sleep well. And then you come home and as much as I love coming home, I love the home that we've made and created for ourselves, the mental load, people, the mental load came to mind and I said you know what? I don't think we really touched on that or talked about it, and I know for sure I'm not the only one that has all these thoughts. And, as women, these thoughts just consume us all day, every day, and I was wondering to myself does this ever go away? Are there ways to manage? Are there ways to kind of stifle that mental load? And now you think, oh, when the kids are little and when they get older, maybe it'll die off a little bit. That's not true. When they leave the house, does it go away? I don't know. Right now I'm in a stage where I still have children in the house and the mental load is well and alive.

Speaker 1:

Mental load what is mental load? It's remembering, it's organizing, it's multitasking, it's planning, it's preventing, it's refilling, it's compartmentalizing, it's budgeting, it's fixing, it's reminding so many things so exhausting. In mindbodygreencom, this is the definition that I found Mental load, the cognitive effort involved in managing your work, relationships, a family and a household. Mental load is the whole bundle of details you manage throughout your day. It has to do with your responsibilities, formal or not formal, as well as the decisions you have to make. It is an invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. The mental load is about not the physical tasks, but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It's being the one in charge of having the never-ending list to do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members and making sure they actually get done. Wow, I mean. I know we live it day in and day out, but it's also very exhausting reading that definition and what that really means For those of you who suffer from mental load. You know exactly what that feels like and you can feel it in your spirit. Mindbodygreencom. I was like you know what this person who wrote this has been inside my head, has been in my house, because I was feeling every moment of it. If I could read all of it to you I would, but it's long.

Speaker 1:

Just go to mindbodygreencom and the article is what is the mental load? The invisible labor falling on women's shoulders? Here's a little example. That was the definition, but it says here here's the explanation from a recent report on the mental load from the children's nonprofit Bright Horizons. So bear with me, follow me on this one.

Speaker 1:

A child's school day isn't just about the physical jobs of pick-up and drop-off. It's also about the perpetual mental awareness of schedules, including early release days, carpools, doctor's appointments, play dates, special events, field trips, class parties, science fairs, who needs to bring what and which day requires special supplies, and those are only some of the items on the family list that require a working mother's constant mental presence. The mind share versus time share equation is at the heart of the mental load. The requirement on women to be not just parents and caretakers but also unofficial keepers of where the entire family needs to be and when, and perpetual guardians against anything falling through the cracks. Can I get an amen and an amen?

Speaker 1:

So listen, I've been trying to come up with ways to overcome mental load and you know what I just have succumbed. I've succumbed to it. I do not want to fight it. You know, like I've read that you do to-do lists, which I do. You know I have to write everything down. If it's not on paper, it's not happening because I will forget. And a prime example oh my gosh, like a few months ago I think it was earlier this year I double-booked myself and I write everything down, but I guess I wrote it on the same days. On the wrong days is what I'm going to say.

Speaker 1:

So y'all guys know Briana Deck, formerly known as Briana Brooks. She's been on the show but she and her husband and me and Philip were going to go to dinner and literally that day she's texted me. She's like can we move dinner up to six? And I'm like, yeah, sure, because I'm thinking it's the next day and she's talking about the food. And this is while she was pregnant. So I'm thinking this girl is like she's really excited for this dinner tomorrow because she's talking about the menu. And can we I'm so hungry and I'm like, yeah, we got one more day.

Speaker 1:

I'm thinking to myself we're getting ready, because we were invited to a neighbor's house for a dinner party, a very intimate dinner party. I knew that it was going to be good food. I know that it's going to be steak and lobster and beautiful side dishes and wine flowing. So I knew that was happening and I knew I was going there and we were getting ready and around 6, 6.30 that evening I get a phone call. First I get a text when are you from, brianna, where are you? I'm like at home getting ready, because we're going to a neighbor's house for dinner and she's like we're supposed to have dinner tonight. We're at the restaurant waiting for you. I was like, holy shit, I get on the phone. I'm like I am so sorry I wrote it on the wrong day. I thought we were going tomorrow and I'm like I'm so sorry we have to go to this dinner party because it's an intimate gathering. It was a very small dinner and I knew they were going all out. I'm like, ooh, we can always go to a restaurant any other day. This is just a good night, a date night for you and your husband. But I felt so bad.

Speaker 1:

I'm like I pride myself on writing things down and making sure. I'm like obsessed, obsessed with my calendar. Now I don't use my phone because I like to see everything in front of me. I like to write it down. So I have my own old fashioned calendar, which a lot of people make fun of me about. But you know what? I don't care, it works for me. I just have to see everything upfront and in my face. So every year I go and I pick up my sweet little agenda book and that's what I use and if it's not with me when I'm out and about, then you're gonna have to wait for me to get home to check my schedule, to check my calendar, to see if I can say yes or no to whatever you just asked me. So you know I read about to-do lists, so I do that. And it says also you know, talk to your partner about it. You know what you can talk to them all day long.

Speaker 1:

And even the best of husbands and partners In most of our cases it's a husband and we have these traditional roles and these, and even with traditional roles they come in and they are helpful. Even with that it still falls on. You Like, even just I was reading it's like an example of you know, when a husband goes to the grocery store, you know they don't know exactly what they're getting. They still call you and say, hey, what do we need? It's like you're still having to think. You're still having. It's like, just buy something.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes I'm like, just I don't feel like thinking right now, just buy what you need to buy. I'm gonna go to the store later and get what we need to get, like literally, like I don't feel like thinking right now and I've just learned to use my words and just be like, listen, I ain't doing it right now and you know, after 18 years, we just have a flow and understanding, no hurt feelings. I don't wanna answer your question right now. This wonderful, I love that you called and you want to know what I want, but I don't feel like thinking right now because I'm thinking about so many other things. So, talking to your partner, you know what, that's a lovely suggestion but even when you guys are on the same page, it's still, I feel, for me like it's helped a little, but that mental load is still there.

Speaker 1:

The other suggestion was planning and include planning and management tasks and when you divide up the housework so it's not just like about the physical, like who takes out the trash, who cleans the toilets, who does this but also dividing up the mental load evenly. I mean, maybe I'm just poo-pooing all of these ideas and ways to like quote unquote, fix this, but I don't know like that kind of helps. You know, like Phillip is into Khalil's football schedule, so he kind of handles that and knows. But I still know I have to know when the games are and you know if something needs to be taken or provided or whatever. Yeah, he may drive him to go get his pictures taken that morning or to get his physical. You know that's helpful, but you know someone has to make those appointments or write it on the calendar, so I don't know about that one.

Speaker 1:

Relinquish control was number three and you know what I kind of, I kind of I feel I'm feeling this one because I think, as women, we like the control and we feel like we're the gatekeepers, we're the only ones that know how to do it right. I learned a long time ago to let that shit go, to allow things to happen, even though it's not the way I would want it or how I would do it, but at least it got done. That's one thing that I feel like. That's one small battle that I have given away to the universe, like I don't want to fight that battle Every now and then I get a little hairy eyed and then I just go off like I'm the only one that cares and the only one that knows how to do that's right Every now and then. But I've learned to kind of let go of that control, because it's one of the things that causes me the most anxiety is, and what really like heightens my anxiety is the control or the lack of control.

Speaker 1:

So it says women may have internalized. This is again from mindbodygreencom and I wish I can read the whole thing because everything I was just like yes, yes, yes, yes, you know. Basically it said that we, that women, tend to do more housework when they're living with a partner Then when they live alone. So I don't know how true that is. Maybe it is. Maybe those who live alone can shed some light on that, even if they're a single mom with kids. It says, according to the researchers of that study, it's because women feel pressured to perform gender once they live with a partner. So perform quote unquote perform gender. I believe they meet gender roles once they live with a partner.

Speaker 1:

It says women may have internalized the expectations of what their home and family should be like and even though they're told not to worry, it is very difficult to let go of ingrained societal expectations of what a good mother and good homemaker do. That means that part of sharing the mental load also involves change on the part of the woman. For example, women can often fall into the habit of gatekeeping when it comes to household labor, which might include monitoring, criticizing or correcting the ways your partner does his chores, which may actually discourage him from fully engaging. So, ladies, I've had to let that one go because, yeah, I was like a nightmare to live with, especially when the kids were little. The whole control thing was like out of control and I've had to let that go to the point where I'm just like, oh, whatever, I just struck my shoulders.

Speaker 1:

My mom comes into town. She's like, well, that and this and that. I'm like mom, I've learned to pick my battles and that is not one of them. I've let that go. And if they're not doing it correctly, if it's not in my space and in my happy space, like my she cave and my living room or my bedroom bathroom, as long as it's not chaotic in those spaces, I'm gravy. There are rooms I can close the door and it's hidden and I don't care. So that definitely is not on my mental load. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1:

And then it says keep checking in. So I guess you know, once you have this conversation with your partner and with your kids and your family, it says, in the business world, lots of companies use standups or daily weekly team meetings to lay out the priorities for the week as a way to get everyone on the same page and make sure the details are covered. Doing the mental work together might be a helpful way to make things fair or at least share. So, listen, those were four things and they're lovely things and I appreciate them. That doesn't take away my mental load. And then I found this other article. It's on sustainably lazycom sustainably lazycom and the article was how to reduce the mental load as a mama and there's 10 tips and I'm like, oh, I kind of like I kind of check through all of them and I love these articles and I appreciate people giving these, but it's better said than done and I feel like I kind of check off a lot of these and still guess what mental load is still there. It's still there. People.

Speaker 1:

Number one talk to your partner where I talked about that. Delegate the load. Listen, my kids are older, they have chores, they have their things. Still mental load. Declutter your home. I'm a neat freak, I like to organize, I like things in their places and still got mental loads. Write a to-do list. I do that all the time when you do it wrong and when you're writing it down but you're thinking about something else and you put the wrong date and double book yourself. Hey, I feel sometimes like I'm a little OCD with that, like I double check my calendar and double check and double check and double check and double check the text and double check to make sure that I'm getting it right. It's like a weird obsession.

Speaker 1:

Number five make time for self-care. I do that already. Probably way too. I do that way too well, actually, I still got a mental load. Number six planning meals in laundry. Well, you know, I'm not really good at that. Some days I'm like you know what I'm gonna do one laundry load a day. Now I don't touch my kids clothes. They do their own. That's called delegating. But yet they like to put their clothes in the hallway when they're about to do it, but then their clothes kind of sit there for days and it's like mental load overload. Get the clothes and like just get them done and don't just leave them in my hallway. So even though you delegate, it still interferes with my space. People and I know you guys can relate Planning meals, you know I do my best.

Speaker 1:

Don't let family walk all over you. If anybody knows me, yeah, no, that's not happening. I don't let anybody walk over me, especially not my family. Hire a cleaner. I feel like I am the cleaner. I had a cleaner for a little bit and I know a lot of people in our area have a cleaner. Nothing against it, just feel weird with certain people in my house. So if anybody has any cleaning people that you want to send my way, please let me know someone that I can trust. Get your kids involved in the housework already. Do that.

Speaker 1:

And, number 10, avoid gender stereotypes around your children. We kind of have gender stereotypes here in the house but, like I said, my husband is very hands-on and very helpful and very loving, but still, people, the overload is real. The mental overload is real. So if you have mastered it and you can go to sleep at night without having all these things rushing through your brain and the to-do lists and the things and all the things and all the things just floating your head, please let me know. I would love some guidance and maybe you know what. Maybe it doesn't go away until the kids are grown and gone and living their most beautiful lives and best lies and then you're here in the house alone with your husband, or sometimes some of us, by ourselves, and Maybe we're going to miss these days. That's what I keep telling myself. We're going to miss these days and we're going to miss the mental load. I don't know, I don't know, I, I it's, it's.

Speaker 1:

It's interesting because I've had conversations recently with two um moms that they're not new moms, but they have new babies, um, and they've left the workforce in the work field and so now they're stay at home moms and just kind of recreating. We've, we figuring, refinding, uh, the refinding is not a word, I don't think uh, finding themselves again and you know, within the quote unquote, uh, stay at home mom role. And I just remember. And you know, I try not to put all of my um, my opinions in my, you know, onto the people, because when you're in it, it doesn't matter what anybody says. Listen, I'm in this right now and it's hard and I'm trying to find myself. So I try not to be like, oh, just enjoy it. Oh, you know those kinds of like terms, like, oh, it goes by so fast, you know what, but it's going by real slow today. Shut up, please. I don't need to hear that, um, so I try not to do that, but I was listening and and, and one thing that did stand out it's like, yes, the validate the feelings Like, yes, this really is a hard period.

Speaker 1:

I've been a stay at home mom, been a working mom and it's all, I think. To me it's all hard, no matter what, and I hate when women try to compete over who has the harder time. It's all hard, it's, it's all very difficult, but, um, especially when the kids are little, little little, but, um, I wish, if I can go back in time, that I could just relax a little bit and really enjoy it and, yes, it it, you know, feel that the days are hard. The days that are hard, you know, cry, cry it out and be like, oh my gosh, this was so hard. But also, um, seeing the small moments. I don't think that I appreciated those small moments. So I would do that. So I'm wondering if that's what's going to happen when I'm, like you know, 10, 20 years down the road from today, um, look back on these days and be like man, I should have appreciated it and, you know, those were some good times.

Speaker 1:

I don't know people, I think we're just all trying to figure it out. But the mental load is real and you know I still work part time, so my mind is there and things that need to get done when I'm there. And then, you know, not dropping the ball with the kids and you know you think they go off to college, but if you've heard any of my recent shows, you know that even the one that's in college has been very difficult. Um, you know, with her and, uh, I think. And then Virago, yeah, virago, like I want, there's so much that I want to do. I'm doing an event November 11th.

Speaker 1:

I'll put, um, the link in the show notes of this show and, you know, just trying to get women together and not just be here and talk about it, just bringing community together and and talk about these things in real life, like face to face, that's what I want out of Virago. So just having these all these things and and and wanting to do them perfectly and perfect is just not realistic. And, um, you know Karen has said you just want everything to just be be perfect before you execute. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. She's like you just need to do it and everything else will come. And and this is coming from a 13 year old and she's so sweet with her, with her advice, um, but she's right.

Speaker 1:

Like a lot of times, I just need everything just to be just so, just so for me to feel at ease and and again, maybe I'm going to regret not enjoying the journey. So I'm going to slow down and even though these articles gave me validation it definitely gave me validation and it did give us some ways to cope and help but I feel like, realistically, it's not gonna go away away anytime soon, especially for us that have kids at home. Tell me if I'm wrong, please. I would love to know. All walks of life, all ages, all, whatever, is this just a motherhood thing? Or is this just a woman thing? Because I don't think men really suffer from mental load. They have a way of compartmentalizing everything, and this is what I'm doing today and I'm not gonna worry about that right now, and I'm not, you know. So that fascinates me and we can learn from the men. But also, things wouldn't really get done, would they? So I just needed to come here and vent, and here we are venting away about the mental load. Again. My articles were from my bodygreencom and sustainablylazycom.

Speaker 1:

I hope you guys have a good rest of your week. I will see you all back next week and I will leave you with this you gotta start romanticizing your life. You gotta start believing that your morning commute is cute and fun, that every cup of coffee is the best you've ever had, that even the smallest and most mundane things are exciting and new. You have to, because that's when you truly start living. That's when you look forward to every day. Thank you so much for listening to Virago 24-7. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram, at Virago24-7, and on Facebook, at Virago24-7, and just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you. Just tell me my space too. This is my thought what I want, what I want, what I want.

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Lyanette Talley

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