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Navigating the Challenges of Parenting and Personal Wellness

• Lyanette Talley • Episode 74

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Right in the thick of parenting chaos, I've found myself juggling the delicate balance of supporting my three children while fostering their independence. Particularly, the journey with my oldest daughter Kaylin, grappling with her identity and mental health, has been an emotional rollercoaster. As a parent, you may wonder how to communicate effectively in such an emotionally charged atmosphere; I've been there and let's explore this together.

Shifting from the teenage years to young adulthood can be a tumultuous transition, both for the parent and the child. The question often arises - how can we validate their feelings, extend our guidance, yet respect their resistance to our help? When it comes to my 22-year-old, these challenges have been all too real. Together, we'll traverse the tricky terrain of guiding our young adults as they venture forth on their own terms, building resilience and perseverance on the way.

Finally, let's leave the parenting world aside for a moment and focus on ourselves. We all have our own battles with stress and anxiety, and I've found solace in the power of natural ingredients. From the energizing boost of matcha to the calming effects of Ashwagandha and lion's mane mushrooms, these magical elements have become my allies. One of my personal favorites is MagicMind, a natural supplement that has worked wonders in enhancing my focus, energy levels, and memory. Remember, we can find support, learn from adversity, and eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how challenging the journey seems.

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley


Lyanette Talley:

Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors. Hey, I hope everyone is doing well and that summer has been treating you just right.

Lyanette Talley:

I've been able to travel a lot this past summer and it was awesome. Traveling brings me peace. I love to be around different people and see different places and I ran the gamut this summer and it wasn't really planned too much in advance. It just all fell kind of the way it should have. From May to mid-July, I was going somewhere almost every weekend, so I got to see so many amazing parts of the United States. Maybe I'll touch on that. I know some of you probably have seen pictures and videos of me frolicking in different places and it was wonderful. I am here to talk more about when I wasn't traveling, when I've been home. You see pictures online and obviously most of us post all the happy smiley stuff. There's a few of us out there that might want to post the ugly stuff and we're like why are you posting that on social? Lucky for me, I have this podcast, and the reason for it is to be vulnerable and to share highs and lows and lessons learned, or lessons that I may not even know that I'm learning, but maybe in the future I'll know why all of this is happening.

Lyanette Talley:

Yes, I've traveled a lot, but when I'm home I'm working at the office. The dynamics there are challenging sometimes, so being able to keep my composure, communicate well, that's been fun. And then we have our home wife with the three kids, and that's also fun. Knowing how to communicate with each child, knowing their love language, knowing their styles Very exhausting, I'm not going to lie. Right now, the challenging child not the challenging child, the child that is creating some challenges for me in my life is my oldest, Kaylin. For those who don't know, I have three kids. Kaylin is 22,. Kahlil is our son, the middle child, and he's 15, and then the youngest, Korynn, just turned 13 in June.

Lyanette Talley:

So most of you all know I'm an open book and I'll say it like it is. I'll tell it like it is. I have no shame in anything. I feel like we can all learn from each other. But also this involves someone else, and so I may not go into every single detail Like I would if it was just all about me In this situation. Some things are about me because your children are a part of you and you're helping to mold and guide and be there for them, and so anything that concerns them or involves them involves you as a parent, especially if you are the kind of parent that truly wants to be there for their kids. So I'm going to respect certain details but also kind of share my perspective and my feelings with all of it. So this is nothing new.

Lyanette Talley:

She's been struggling with a lot of things for the past few years and I think a lot of it is kind of coming to a head and shit has hit the fan and shit is all over the place. And one positive that I take is that in my growth listen I feel like we're always going to be learning and growing and learning and growing, and learning and growing, and I think for me personally, I'm just like, okay, when is it going to just end? When am I going to stop learning and growing, and maybe I just don't think it's ever going to end, but I've learned some tools and I've grown a lot. I've mellowed out a lot, but also, on the flip side, I'm still who I am and I still have my opinions and I still have things that I need to say, and I do say them, and they're not always received in a way that is fun and glamorous and a lot of the times I know this, but a lot of the times the words are literally choking me and so I pick and choose when to speak and when I do, the recipient is not always willing and wanting to hear what I have to say.

Lyanette Talley:

So in this case we are talking about Kaylin and, like I said, she's been dealing with a lot for a lot of the past few years and it's a lot of emotional things Just trying to find who she is, and in the process, she's been trying to put a lot of labels on herself when it comes to gender identity and pronouns and sexuality and mental health, so many things and so it's not just one thing, it's a lot of things that are being kind of thrown on the table and in the process, the way I see it, from my point of view is maybe she's wanting to see where the limits are, where we're going to quote unquote stop loving her, which that's never going to happen. She knows I have strong opinions on certain things. When it comes to that, I just let people live the way they're going to live and but also I see a lot of contradictions and words and an action. So sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. So when there's no consistency, there's no firm like this is who I am, then I don't feel like I don't know what to connect to you. You know, I don't know what's real, what's not, and in the process she feels like I'm not understanding, that I'm not there for her, that I just don't get it. She has the word understand and found out that people understand who I am, and when I don't react in a strong way, then it's yeah, then it's. If I react too strong, then it's a problem. If I don't react, then it's a problem. If I don't say anything at all, it's a problem. So I'm just in this no win-win situation which, you know it's frustrating. However, I see it for the big picture that she's just trying to find herself and she's trying to find her way. It's a process. She's kind of bringing me into that world and I'm just trying to figure out the fine lines of everything. So the fine line of enabling, the fine line of when to step in, the fine line when to speak up, the fine line of not to speak up, what to say, what not to say and listen.

Lyanette Talley:

I'm not perfect and I still am learning certain ways of communicating certain things, certain ways of replacing this word for that word. But man, it's all exhausting. It's like I'm walking on eggshells, I'm tiptoeing through conversations because my natural instinct is just to be like, wow, like this is it and this is how I feel and this is what I think. And I've been mentally exhausted, physically exhausted. I've had so many panic attacks I thought I had it all under control, and I have. But almost every day I wake up, I open my eyes and it's not even a mental thing. It's like your body is physically telling you something's up, and so to calm your body has been very hard.

Lyanette Talley:

So a few weeks ago, without going to big details, she had to go into an inpatient facility and now she's doing outpatient therapy as a background. She has been in therapy, consistent for the past almost two years she's on medication and I don't feel like the past two years I've seen a difference and we've had recently a sit down after all of this happened the inpatient, outpatient situation that happened. We sat with her therapist and it's a fine line of okay. Yes, this person's not a child anymore and technically they're an adult, but still we know that they still need hand-holding and guidance. But I'm the type of parent that I've always wanted my kids to just be independent. I'm not a helicopter mom. I don't do everything for them. I try to listen, I try to be there emotionally, but sometimes I'm not going to coddle every little emotion or every little situation. So from early on they wake themselves up. Starting around middle school, they wake themselves up, they get dressed, they do their own laundry at this point they help around the house, and so it's all like that with all three of them.

Lyanette Talley:

I think now Kaylin is starting to feel like she's had to do everything on her own all her life. It varies by age, sometimes it's since she was 12, sometimes it's since she was 14, but in her mind she's been doing things on her own and I point out certain contradictions and then she'll backtrack and rephrase it and yes, could I have done things so much better? Of course all of us could have done things better. I try not to take that part personally because I know how I've been there for her and I know what I've done and I know what I'm still doing and in her mind it's still not good enough. So, as the mother, I have to separate the personal and not get so worked up about it or be sad about it or get angry about it. How dare you? I'm trying not to do any of that.

Lyanette Talley:

And certain things have been said as far as not liking my personality, not liking who I am, and if I was someone that you know, if I wouldn't be someone that would be her friend. I should never choose anybody that's like me to be her friend or be around her. And what is she supposed to do? I'm her mother. She just wants to distance herself from me and I'm laughing. But you know it's not funny, it's just surreal. It's surreal A lot of the things that have been said, and to keep my composure is extremely hard.

Lyanette Talley:

And now, listen, have I said some things? Yeah, 1000%. One thing that I'm like frustrated with it's not even any of that, because deep down I know, listen, I feel like she's going through some things and years from now we're going to look back and it's not going to be remotely how it is right now. I feel that deep down in my soul, also for one, like a crazy small chance, that I'm not for her and she wants to distance herself when we only see each other once in a while. If that were to happen, I have to accept it and just that's what she wants. That's what she needs in her life is not to have me around, and I would have to respect that, but still, you know, try to be there as much as I could, while respecting her boundaries. So I've come to realize each scenario could happen. I don't think that that latter one will.

Lyanette Talley:

But aside from that, a lot of those things I just know are just being said out of anger and hurt. And there's one thing that I've been lacking, and it's been like some kind of empathy, like I understand her struggles and I understand, you know, why she feels what she feels in certain cases. And then I had to ask myself like why, instead of being like sad that this is happening and shit's hitting the fan, I feel anger and I'm lacking empathy. And after just like thinking about it and trying to understand like I should be, like devastated and which I am like. But the big feeling is kind of anger and, like I said, it's more internal. Yes, I've said some things but I'm trying not to like be so outwardly angry. It's more internally angry which has been causing my panic attacks because it's like I'm not able to say what I truly want to say because I know it's not going to be received well and also she's just not in that state to even receive it and emotionally matured to receive it. And I put that extra burden on her shoulders or on her plate, even though she doesn't realize how much I'm holding back. But that's besides the point.

Lyanette Talley:

So the anger I realized is coming from this whole victim mentality. You know, we all at some point in our lives feel like, oh, what was me? Like poor me, things could have been differently. Listen, I've been there, I've been like, oh, poor me, things could have been differently, and you kind of wallow in that. But when someone's kind of in that space not just Caitlyn, but just anyone on this planet Earth they just stay in that space and don't see anything outside of that.

Lyanette Talley:

So for me, victim mentality equals a fixed mindset, and a fixed mindset equals to me not holding yourself accountable. And when you're not holding yourself accountable, you're blaming everyone and everything else around you for what's happening to you, and when you're doing that, there's no growth or no change, because when you think that way, everything's out of your control and you have zero control. So in that case I'm just going to stay the way I am and everyone else around me has to change in order for my life to change. So that's how I'm seeing this whole big picture, because right now, you know, caitlyn is in school. This is her last year.

Lyanette Talley:

Outside of that, she doesn't really have many responsibilities. She's not working consistently. You know she'll take odds and ends here and there, but like a consistent job over the summer, no, she doesn't have to really pay for anything because we pay for everything. And so, yes, school can be stressful, I get it, but anything outside of that, I'm like what else? I'm the bad guy, I'm the villain in this story, but yet you haven't really had to do a whole lot of anything to really take care of yourself in that way. So it's very conflicting messages and me trying to decipher through it.

Lyanette Talley:

But the biggest thing to me where I'm like, oh, this is making me mad is because I see it as a victim mentality, where there's zero responsibility being taken, there's zero kind of perspective being had and you know, when you're reading things and you're going to therapy, it's all about. Well, your problems are your problems and you shouldn't compare your problems to someone else's problems, because everything is relative. We all know this stuff. If you're growing and reading and listening to podcasts and reading all the books and listening to the experts, you learn that. But also, isn't it like the way I learn is when I hear someone else's story and you gain some perspective, like OK, yeah, my shit sucks, but man, like I'm getting perspective and maybe I can learn from that person. She doesn't need that for me. So I try not to interject, which is very hard, because I look at it this way and this is one thing I did tell her.

Lyanette Talley:

You know your grandmother on your dad's side. You know she had some shit and she had she has a third grade education because she had to work on the farm and she had to work at a very young age and she was kicked out of her house at a very young age and she had to figure things out. And then she had two boys that she raised and, you know, just trying to find better for them. And then here comes my dad with his stuff and things that he didn't always share but I know there was struggles in his life but then he persevered. And then, with my mom, so many shitty things like, so much has happened to her in her life that hopefully one day she can come on here and share her, you know, alive, because it's been a tough one and she's persevered and she's been strong. And then you know to me where it wasn't as bad as them and I can look at them and I can empathize and sympathize with their struggle and being grateful and thankful for, you know, each generation getting a little bit better and a little bit easier.

Lyanette Talley:

And so when I had my kids, I'm like you know, I want to protect them as much as I can and not and be there and put them in this little bubble. And I'm going to be honest, I feel like it's backfiring on me because it's like when you do that, they don't build resilience and they don't go through adversity because you're always cleaning things up. And now where she can't really handle certain things. It's my fault because I'm not coming in and rescuing her and she doesn't understand that she has to learn these things and go through these things in order to persevere and know that she has to do it on her own. So it's this vicious cycle and I know I'm kind of not giving details, but just know it's a lot, it's big stuff and I'm trying to like literally navigate through all of it.

Lyanette Talley:

And I pulled up this article about enabling and it said if you can say yes to these things, then you're an enabler. And I literally said yes to all of them and I'm like crap, I never thought I would be that parent. And we're literally going down this road because when you have a child telling you, especially when you know in your heart that you've been there for them, you know there's parents out there that aren't and they know it and they might be in denial and they might not want to accept it, but deep down they know. I can say for certain that these kids have had amazing parents. And yes, are we flawed? Because we're human? Of course. Of course.

Lyanette Talley:

Does anybody on this planet earth get their emotions 100% fulfilled? Of course, not even the best parents can't fulfill someone's every need because we weren't built for that. Anybody that believes in God knows that he's the only one that can save. He's the only one that can come in and swoop in and save you. And we can do the best that we can as humans, but we will never. We will always fall short. We'll never be everything to our loved ones, especially to our children.

Lyanette Talley:

But when you're getting that kind of pointed out, you it's like, okay, well, let me try to do this. And it's just, I'm at a point where anything I do is not good enough, and so I'm having to figure out what can I do? Whether she's upset with me at the moment that I'm thinking long term, because I'm more emotionally mature to understand the big picture, enabling setting boundaries, because she's all about boundaries. But I've had to tell her we have boundaries too as parents, so laying those down and people around me are saying, oh, this is going to pass and she'll be fine. That's easy to say and I do agree with those statements and I understand that, yes, it will be fine. But also understanding that this is her truth right now. How she feels about me, how she feels about my husband Phillip, how she feels about her life in general is true for her right now.

Lyanette Talley:

So saying oh, it's going to be fine in the future is not going to help me with helping her right now and laying down some kind of foundation or groundwork for moving forward, because it seems like everything from three. You know, it's been the past three, four years that this has been going on. Anything before that is being rewritten, it's being retold, which that's another pet peeve of mine is when people are erasing the story and not seeing it the way it was. But yes, everyone has their perspective, everyone has their way of seeing it. But I don't like when someone just kind of makes something up on their own. It's irritating to me. So, just, I want to be there for her, but I'm trying to navigate what my role is moving forward, parenting a 22 year old because are you parenting? Are you guiding? Are you hands off? Are you not hands off? I Don't know. I don't know. Guys, I'm trying to figure this out and I'm gonna be honest, it's been highly frustrating, highly sad.

Lyanette Talley:

Anger, like I said, because I told her I'm like it's hard to help someone when that they're not really trying to help themselves. You're upset that you're about to graduate and you're afraid to adult. But, yeah, I'm trying to give you some guidance and perspective and you don't want to take it so at this point. Any lots of prayer. Those who have come, been there and done that have come before me. Please shed some light on this. A lot of people that are Are Very close to us, that know us, that have known her since she was little, all say you've been enabling, you need to, like, step back. Yes, she'll be angry and yes, she'll feel like you're not supporting her, but that has to happen. It's called tough love and I think she's already thinking that we've given her tough love, but I don't think she realizes what that really looks like. So this is not gonna end anytime soon.

Lyanette Talley:

And I had to remind myself that, you know, like going back to my grandma and my parents and and They've gone through stuff, tough times, and that's built resilience within them, which, in turn, you know, built resilience. And me, with the, the things that I've gone through, which were not even close to my parents, you know, and realizing that my kids have to go through things. They have to and and we just want to swoop in and like fix it. I mean with learning disabilities, it's, it's, and I love that. Our generation is like coming in and like trying to figure it out. It's like, okay, my child is struggling here, let's come in and like figure out how they're gonna learn and figure out how you know what their needs are. And then mentally, okay, let's be over here and and find the right therapist and use the right words and Communicate the right way.

Lyanette Talley:

But when I'm telling you behind closed doors and I'm talking to my friends, we are losing our shit because this shit is hard. Past generations didn't give a shit. They're like figure that shit out on your own. We've all had to do it and good luck and Godspeed this generation. We're like, okay, that was too rough, that was too tough. Now let's like go to the other side and like literally fix everything for our kids. And now they just don't even know how to function in this world. And I want to know when the balance is, where the the middle ground is, and All I know is they have to build resilience and they have to go through things in order, tough times, not just things. Tough things, tough times, tough situations, challenges in order to build that resilience.

Lyanette Talley:

And I was reading an article on help guide org because I've been googling all the things. I'm like maybe I'm doing something wrong. What am I doing Like? What can I? What's a different approach? And on help guide org not calm help guide org you know, building resilience can help with staying focus, being flexible and productive, and good and bad times, feeling less afraid of new experiences or uncertain future.

Lyanette Talley:

It says manage and tolerate strong emotions outside your comfort zone, even those you'd rather avoid, like anger or despair. Building resilience strengthens your relationships and improves your communication skills, especially under pressure. Building resilience bolsters your self-esteem. And it also says it gives you confidence that you'll eventually find a solution to a problem, even when one isn't immediately apparent. And so when I was reading all of this, this, every single thing is what she's lacking right now, every single one, almost. And so that just shows me that she needs to build some resilience and some perseverance.

Lyanette Talley:

And I've told her this in so many words, and I think my words just need to just be put in a little box and they need to be kept there, because it's just not working. So I I feel like I've tried all the approaches, so I think the best one for me, for me personally, is just not to say a whole bunch of things. At this point I've said everything that I needed to say and we just have to see what God has in store for her. You know I told her she comes from a long, long line of amazing strong people, especially amazing strong women, and what in it's sucked to get to this point. And you, you know you end your life and you don't want to be here anymore. You're strong, you're brave and I know sometimes it didn't feel that way and we've already been there. You're brave and I know sometimes it didn't feel that way and we've all been On the ground praying to the Lord and crying out to him For something to just change. I get that, I get that feeling, but also, like I said, I lack empathy because at her age I had her and I'm working and I was trying to graduate and I was not getting a lot of support, you know, financially hardly none, maybe some emotional from some people, but I was really truly doing it on my own.

Lyanette Talley:

I mean, I had help with, with, with my grandmother gosh God bless her um that first year when she lived here in Georgia. She was there that year and you know, my dad and stepmom baby sat when they could. So to give me some some down time and to go hang out with my friends, but other than that, the day-to-day was me figuring this crap out. So I have a hard time Empathizing. If I'm going to be honest, because I want to come on here and I want to be as honest and transparent as possible, I am lacking that empathy, because just going to school without anything else on your plate Is hard to empathize with, when I know that I was able to do it with all the things being juggled up in the air. So I don't know. I know this sounds harsh, I know it sounds very harsh, but that's how I feel right now. Um, we're gonna go down for one second, we're gonna go off-roading, okay. We're gonna go off-topic and we're gonna come back. Okay, the train's going off the tracks over here to the right and we're gonna come back.

Lyanette Talley:

But, like I said in the very beginning, I know you've seen my posts from this summer on my travels and, like I said, they were all amazing and wonderful and fabulous trips. But then, you know, as I said, when I come home and I'm ready to turn home, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, like, literally, I've cried buckets of tears, guys, buckets. The practice takes up so much of my energy. These kids take up all of my energy too. It's just this mental load that I carry that I know you probably carry all day long, all day, every day. Just this mental load. And I'm also trying to keep this podcast going and I need my creative juices flowing and when I'm cluttered with all this other things, it's very hard to be creative and to create content and come up with things. And it's funny because my youngest Korynn even laughs at me. She says that I forget stuff all the time and I'm always forgetting to do things when I'm, you know, when I say I'm gonna do them and I tell her it's called mama has a lot going through her brain syndrome. Like I have a lot going on.

Lyanette Talley:

So you know I drink coffee, but the effect from coffee you know that only lasts so long and I'm not one to just drink multiple, multiple cups. So I'm just over here, man, I'm just over here trying to survive each day. But I discovered this drink called Magic Mind and it literally, like I said, it's been a long month or two and it literally just came out of nowhere. It's like it fell from heaven right at the right time that it knew I needed it. And it's like this little green two round shot and I drink it right before I head out the door. And you know, some mornings I drink it by itself. I drink Magic Mind by itself. But most days I'll have my cup of coffee or my espresso and then I'll drink that. And you know I take it because it's super easy. I'm not a big breakfast person, so it's super easy to incorporate into my morning routine and it actually tastes good and it starts off my day right. And I've been taking it the past two weeks and I feel better in the mornings, I'm happier throughout the day. I can truly honestly say that that anxiety feeling isn't there, even though you know my brain is saying I'm frustrated, my insides are calming down. Like I said, I've been waking up with panic attacks. The past few weeks and I haven't the past two, I shouldn't say two. The past week that anxiety feeling has minimized. So I can definitely say that Magic Mind has calmed my anxiety and it's helped me focus.

Lyanette Talley:

So it has six natural ingredients. It has matcha, which it's this caffeine from matcha takes longer to release and it helps reduce stress and it also has I had to practice this word. It's ashwanda, which you know. I looked it up and you know, when you look up the little pronunciation those little lips tell you. So I repeated it like 30 times ashwanda and I found out it's a shrub that's been around for like centuries, like 8,000 years, and it grows in India and the Middle East and it's set to reduce anxiety and stress. And then there's lion's mane mushrooms. That also reduces anxiety and inflammation and it supports cognition. The other three ingredients I won't even attempt to pronounce, but I researched them and they all help with focus, energy levels, memory, which, as you can tell by what I've been telling you, I need in my life. So if this speaks to your soul, if you want focus, you want your anxiety to be reduced, I totally recommend it.

Lyanette Talley:

You can go to magicmind slash, slash varago and enter code leonette20. So my name is spelled L-Y-A-N-E-T-T-E-20. You can get up to 56% off their first subscription or 20% off your one-time purchase. So that's leonette20 for 56% off, and magicmind will guarantee 100% money back. So no questions asked, there's no risk. If you don't like it, the refund. You'll get the refund within three to four hours and, like I said, I'm gonna continue to use it. I really do like it. Again, it's www. Magicmind slash varago with the discount code leonette20-L-Y-A-N-E-T-T-E for up to 56% off the subscription, and getting the 30 pack is the best value. So let me know what you guys think. I'm gonna put it in the description of this podcast, just in case you're driving and you can't write it down. It'll be in the description notes.

Lyanette Talley:

So you know I love my articles and adversity EverydayPowercom. Everydaypowercom. I found this article seven lessons to learn from adversity. I want my kids to learn all of these. If you've been on this journey of discovery and learning and growing, you'll be like oh, yep, yep, yep, adversity has taught me this, adversity has taught me this, and so when I read this, I was reminded that my kids have to learn these things, and me saying it to them or telling them how I persevered or how I overcame, can only do so much. They have to go through it, and that's what I have to realize and I have to stop taking things personally when not so nice things are being said. They have to go through adversity. So the seven lessons to learn from adversity Trust your challenges. At the end of every challenge, you'll find out the importance of letting go. There was never any need to fear and no need to worry. Everything in life has a reason behind it.

Lyanette Talley:

Number two adversity equals gratitude. Although everything around you seems to be gloomy, with not one sign of hope, your pure existence on this earth is something to be thankful for. It's said that when you're thankful for the little, god will give you more to be thankful for. And isn't that the truth? I can say that from experience. Number three it says the lesson that you'll learn from adversity Find your true soulmates In life. We need companions, good friends who will support you, stay with you through thick and thin, advise you and so forth, are priceless, and man do. I have my sisters. I have such awesome friends who I feel like they're like my, my sisters. I can vent to them, I can cry, we can lay it all on the table and it just feels so good. So that's been such a blessing. And that also comes with being vulnerable. You know when you can come to the table and not act like your life is so perfect and and things aren't. You know, knowing that things aren't going well for you, it's nice to find that tribe that you could be vulnerable with.

Lyanette Talley:

Number four these are the seven lessons that you need to learn when going through adversity. We have all heard this one, all of us what challenges don't kill you, make you stronger. And sometimes you know what that could be super frustrating for to hear that it's like shut up with that already. But this is what it says, whatever the challenge it made us feel distressed, weak, hopeless and on the verge of just giving up on life. But we are stronger at the end of that setback. We're much more confident, fully equipped and ready to face the next of challenges. And that's one thing I keep asking myself when are the challenges going to end, lord? How many more challenges do I need to overcome? And you know what I just got to take it like it comes. And the beauty of it is I know to be in my feelings, because I've been in my feelings very much but knowing when to come out of it, knowing to see the big picture and learning the lessons from it. So I'm just praying that my kids learn these things.

Lyanette Talley:

And number five think about the light at the end of the tunnel. There's always light. Often what we go through blinds our eyes from the reality that every setback is temporary. One day it will be over and you'll be a better person. Whether or not we like it, adversity refines us. Just like gold has to be tested through the fire, so do we as individuals. We are tested with disappointments, roadblocks, criticisms, challenges, etc. Without these we don't move forward in life. We go through times like these so we can learn from our mistakes and make progress. So I can say that tome blue in the face. But until our kids walk through it, experience it and get on the other side, they'll never understand. Until you fully get it yourself. So, leonette, note to self, stop saying how this is going to be a lesson in life to help her get stronger. Just stop. She's just going to have to figure it out.

Lyanette Talley:

Number six be proactive rather than reactive. Sometimes we experience setbacks because of our lack of preparation and foresight. As an individual, you have to always look for ways to prevent certain circumstances from occurring. For example, if you want to avoid going into debt, cultivate a saving habit as early as possible, learn how to spend less, have multiple sources of income and possibly start investing those returns in a lucrative business. This way, you're being proactive in the case of a financial setback rather than reacting to one. That's one lesson I really need my kids to learn is to be proactive. And then, when you're not and shit hits the fan and crap, doesn't go your way to not just blame it on the situation, but also look within and realize what part you could have played in it and how you could do things differently in the future.

Lyanette Talley:

And number seven don't take no for an answer. It's human to want to give up. When situations don't turn out as planned. We feel like quitting. And when I say okay, that's what it says. But me personally, I'm saying I was going to quit. I was like I just feel like just running away and finding some remote place and just setting up shop there and wishing everybody luck, and I'm like, okay, stop being a stupid baby. Okay, no, baby, stupid, sorry, I take that back. Stop being a baby and deal with it and stop taking no for an answer. And you are not going to quit, lena, you're not going to quit. But let's be honest, I've said that and I even don't feel like I just want to go. I just want to go somewhere, even though I've been on like 1000 vacations and been out of town. But I'm talking about by myself, away by myself, and I may or may not come back. So it continues to stay for this number seven. But as champions we can't afford to give up, no matter how things go.

Lyanette Talley:

Adversity teaches us to persevere, have faith and keep our eyes on the prize. So reading that gave me some perspective, gave me some hope, gave me kind of a new like oomph, because you know, I go through my, through my cycles in my roller coaster of I got this, I've grown, I'm strong, and then something happens and then you revert back to that little sad person that you once were and I just don't want to do this anymore. And oh my gosh. But I have to remember this is going to teach all of us to persevere and this is going to teach all of us to have faith and to keep our eye on the prize. And I don't know what's in store. This is going to make her grow as a person, going to me, make me grow as a person. I don't know how it's going to affect our family in the future.

Lyanette Talley:

I just know right now we're struggling and I'm praying that that I continue to be patient and not take it personal. You know, cause all of these things? I feel like I've learned in my past 43 years and it's starting to really make sense to me. And you know, for the kids, I just feel like I just want to snap my fingers and have them instantly have this wisdom. But they have to go through these challenges. They have to, and I have to remind myself that they have to learn these lessons on their own. I can't just snap my fingers and, through osmosis, they get it because of my experiences or my parents' experiences or their parents' experiences. No, they have to go through it and it's so hard to sit back and watch, but I know I have to and I'm realizing that I still need to continue to grow and learn. I need to stay strong.

Lyanette Talley:

Like I said, I can't take it personally and I have to stay consistent with my boundaries, with my actions, and everything else is left up to God. You know we're all His children and this is her journey and I'm sure you know we'll go through things with Khalil and Karin, but right now she's the oldest and this is our first time going through this. But I have to remember this is her journey and God has her. She may not know it, but we know it and, yeah, because of any words of wisdom, encouragement, I'm always open to suggestions.

Lyanette Talley:

Her therapist gave me some input that I didn't love because it kind of makes you revert back. That's what I was gonna say at the very beginning when I started talking about therapists, and then I went way sideways. But I always know when to come back. But she wanted me to kind of wake her up in the mornings and so that she can get to her outpatient, maybe make her breakfast. I'm like I've never been that mother. I can't revert back to waking a 22 year old up. I never even really did that until she was.

Lyanette Talley:

You know, once they get into middle school, I was like, okay, let's teach them to do things on their own. I never wanted to be that parent that calls their kids at college and wakes them up. I mean, you know there were those kids in college and I'm sorry if you're one of those parents that has to call your kid at college to wake them up and make sure they're doing things. God bless you. I never wanted to be that parent. I want my kids to be independent, because if I drop dead tomorrow I know that sounds very cryptic and just oh my gosh, they're gonna stop being dramatic. But it's true, you don't know, I need them to be capable, I need them to persevere, I need them to know how to do things outside of their parents, and if that makes me a shitty person and a shitty parent, then so be it. I'm not gonna go back on waking her up.

Lyanette Talley:

So there were certain things where I'm like, yeah, no, that's not the approach we're gonna take. That's not going to be good for me and that's definitely not gonna be good for her, because in her world that's what she wants is a little bit more coddling and a little bit more rescuing, and I just don't think that's helpful in the situation. So I compromised and I told Kaylin listen, if I see that you are not awake, I will tap on that door, but please don't make it a habit. So we agreed on that. So we've had some pleasant conversations too. Everything hasn't all been at each other's throats which we have had those but we've also had some nice compromises and some breakthroughs. So we're continuing this. It's not all been bad. We've had some great conversations from it. But also, I'm not gonna take everything that a therapist says unless you've gone through it and you've dealt with it.

Lyanette Talley:

You could read something in a book and in theory it sounds wonderful, but it's harder to understand unless you've been in those shoes. So that's it, everybody. I'm back. I'm sure there's gonna be more where this came from. There's other things I wanna talk about, but I did want to get this out there and, like I said, I never wanna come out on here and throw anybody under the bus. I wanna talk about my experiences, my feelings, my emotions. So many details that come with this story that aren't really relevant at this point. It's just how I'm feeling, things that she's feeling, and I hope we are better people for it. I will leave you guys with this quote that I found Maybe it's not supposed to be easy for you.

Lyanette Talley:

Maybe you're one of the rare few who can handle tough times and still choose to be a loving person. Maybe it's going how it's going because you're built for it. Don't stress a thing. It's going to work out because you're not going to stop putting in the work. See you guys, next week. Thank you so much for listening to Virago 24-7. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram at Virago24-7, and on Facebook at Virago24-7, and just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you. Just give me my space to move on, because it's my thoughts, what I want, what I want, what I want.

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Lyanette Talley

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